Table of Contents
- Introduction
- What Is Co-Parenting
- An Unclear Path
- Barriers To Co-Parenting Counseling
- Co-Parenting Counseling
- Conclusion
An Introduction
This article is meant to help co-parents understand that though it is not easy, especially at a time of turmoil and loss, co-parenting counseling is good practice in helping the continued positive development of the children. They are also mourners in the death of the marriage. It is because of them that we should try everything possible to make the transition into the co-parenting world as smooth as possible.
With changing attitudes toward parenting and the father’s role, co-parenting dads, especially non-resident co-parenting dads, are met with challenges during the transition into this new role. Often, co-parenting counseling is beneficial, but not always easy to achieve.
Separation and divorce are considered an adverse childhood experience and contributes to increased risk for negative physical and behavioral outcomes in adulthood.
Both co-parents must be in a position emotionally to try what should be a cooperative path forward. As we know and have possibly experienced, the transition from divorced parents to a co-operative teamwork model is not easy.
How is it possible to go from a conflicted relationship, which is generally what brought the end of a marriage in the first place to a point of cooperation? Reading and researching as you are doing now is a good first step.
So, if you are a co-parent dad or soon to be, and you care about your child’s development (some don’t) into adulthood, and you would like to improve your co-parenting model, then co-parenting counselling is a very good step.
What Is Co-Parenting
What does co-parenting look like? From its name, we can figure out that its definition might have something to do with the divorced or separated parents doing their share to raise their children using a cooperative model.
Of course, there is more to it than that. Best-practice will reflect co-parenting where the interests of the children are nourished, as most likely would have been the case in the married household.
Successful co-parenting would be demonstrated by successful daily communication where conflict would be kept at a minimum and where the co-parents would work together as a team, to once again advance the interests of the children.
An Unclear Path
Co-parenting should be easy right? Easy for you to say, you’re thinking. And you would be right in some instances. There is, like everything else, a spectrum of co-parenting models. They range from fully cooperative to fully conflictual. And then there’s something in-between.
Even with the best interests of divorcing parents and their children in mind, professionals who make it their business to guide and educate, generally do not see this co-operative, communicative, minimal conflict model often in their practice.
Society has given us rules to make our way through the dating and courting process and we can reflect on the patterns of others on how to proceed with a successful marriage.
When it comes to divorce however, things are not so straightforward. It may be that divorce and separation was once and may still be frowned upon by society. Therefore, there wasn’t much interest in creating rules or norms around which those who are divorced or separated would be able to follow. It seems we then have to go it alone, each family having to create their own new world. Not a great start. Thankfully, for a variety of reason, attitudes around divorce are changing.
Barriers To Co-Parenting Counseling
In their new roles, the co-parent’s main objective should be to take care of the children and finances. Women who left the work force to raise the children find it difficult reentering, creating financial stress.
It is here also where fathers, especially those who see child support orders as unfair, may become angry and frustrated and instead of diminishing the conflictual relationship, will continue co-parenting in an ongoing state of turmoil.
This anger and frustration may exist, because as divorce dads we might think that we are supporting our ex-spouse, and not the children. Since it is to the former spouse that the money goes. We do not know what is being done with the money or even if it is going where we would want it to go.
We can do a couple of things here. We can reframe our thoughts about who the money is going to by understanding that the money is for the children and not the ex-spouse. And hopefully it is going to the children. We can also request an account of where the money is going. This could be accomplished in a co-parenting counseling session.
It is with this new financial responsibility that researchers have surmised that the courts, responsible for such orders, might play a role in lessening the frustrations of supporting fathers, especially low-income fathers with these concerns.
It has also been found that the opposite occurs where fathers’ support orders were not binding or those that were, were seen as fair. When seen as fair, fathers were less likely to feel put out. Through consultation with the father, where diminishing conflict might be a goal, fathers may, with the courts, be able to come to a more reasonable support amount.
However, this seems unlikely as most support or maintenance orders are mandated through a set of predetermined tables. You earn this much money and you have these many children, then this is the amount you pay. It seems a little arbitrary and cold.
Not surprisingly, parents who were satisfied with the financial and co-parenting models chosen post-divorce, were less likely to encounter conflict, which in turn helped with the children’s adjustment and development.
Changing housing arrangements can also contribute to added stress to cooperative co-parenting. The family home may be sold. Those dads that move away have less contact with the children and are less active in the co-parenting responsibilities.
I say dads because generally the children will stay with the mother and not move from where they live. Disruptions with school and friends are not conducive to routine.
The fitness of a co-parent to parent as perceived by the other, can also thwart any attempt at co-parenting. An abusive partner or one substance-dependent, can be detrimental to the development of any minor-aged children.
Knowing some of the barriers to what may interfere with the co-parenting process is a good start in understanding what can get you there.
Co-Parenting Counseling
Deciding to attend a counseling session is the very important first step. Those who attend sessions and continue to seek counseling through the most difficult periods, will have more success at co-parenting than those who do not seek guidance.
It is also imperative that both partners and the children attend. There may be a need to have individual sessions as well, but it is important that all involved attend. It is understood that it can be difficult getting all on board.
It is also understood that if only one spouse follows through, it will not meet the goals of co-parent counseling.
The cost of counselling might be an issue for some. There are outreach programs in our communities that offer a sliding scale payment model for clients. That is, those who are less able to pay full cost can avail of the same services that those who are able to pay full cost can. It isn’t hard to find such programs. If you are in a lower income bracket, ask about the sliding scale.
So what can a counseling agency do for you? The first thing it does is allows you to deal with the many issues you will face in a neutral, less threatening environment.
Counseling usually takes place in a sterile office without the emotional triggers of home; the ringing phone, the interrupting neighbors or animals. It brings focus.
Counseling also broadens perspective. With the help of a counselor, we can begin to see the other’s perspective and helps with the tunnel vision we may find ourselves experiencing. A broader view generally brings more understanding.
Counseling can also enable you to see yourself for who you are and what you are feeling. It allows you to see more of you and provides emotional support that you may not find anywhere else. When we are wrapped up in the continuous emotional battle at home, we tend to get lost in the turmoil and we lose our sense of self.
Seeking guidance allows us to gather our thoughts and become more orientated. This permits us to see the end goal much clearer. That goal should be to lessen the conflict and work together for the continued positive development of the children.
A counselor should also educate. That is, the counselor should provide strategies and plans to help you move forward through the process. Counseling can also ease feelings of guilt that may accumulate by helping us understand that what we are feeling is normal.
Conclusion: Co-Parenting Counseling
Societal views on divorce and separation have changed. This can help but it doesn’t make the process easier. Though our children should be our main concern, we should also take the time to clarify our disorientation.
Though co-parenting counseling is difficult for a variety of reasons, it should be seen as a best practice; research has proven it to be so. If you are thinking about participating, know that it will not be easy but the benefits are long lasting.
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