Table of Contents
- An Introduction
- Cell Phone Culture
- Routine
- Pick your Battles
- Who Pays
- Limits
- Is Communicating With Your Children Important to you
- Divorced Parents and Cell Phones: Important Questions to Ponder
- Conclusion
An Introduction to Divorced Parents and Cell Phones
Whenever the issue of divorced parents and cell phones came up with friends, I always seemed to have had a more liberal view. Some saw it as a major concern. I did not, even though I was paying the bill. And paying the bill was tough when I was a single dad.
Not to say that it is not a concern for you. I just thought there were bigger fish to fry. And as you know, there are.
Cell Phone Culture
Depending on your age, you may approach the idea of cell phones and cell phones and children in a way that may be different from what your children think of the idea. No fault of your own. Cultures change.
To us, fitting in with peers may seem like an idea that is trivial. But I think we know its importance. During this time of upheaval for our children, fitting in somewhere is maybe all they have. Having a cell phone helps with that. Embracing a changing culture in this case is a good idea.
Being a member of the last disconnected generation, I had to grow into the idea of cell phones. I did make a conscious effort to not “buy” into the hype. Our children however, were born into a connected society. A cell phone to them is like what a land line was to us. And to them, hype it is not.
So I quickly gave into the hype Rather, it may have been accepting the progression of things. Of course staying in contact with my children and communicating with them through their favorite media was not hype. I made the decision to buy in.
It’s funny looking back. Something so prolific as a cell phone today, seemed strange and odd then. To think it’s been decades since their introduction.
It was funny really, I fought against the idea of carrying one in my pocket, but did not think twice about shopping with them to select a device they wanted. I paid for the phone and the bill for a very long time. And of course I bought one too.
Routine
When the family was together did the children have cell phones? Yes. Mine did. So, when family dissolves, usually the issue of cell phones comes down to who pays. For me, I was thinking about my children first.
It was sort of a tradition. When the family was intact, we would go shopping for a cell phone. For me it was something I saw as a contribution, a tradition; it made me feel good. When I was no longer living with my young children, I understood that routine and tradition was important for their well-being.
I did not put up a fight. There was no “I am paying for their cell phones so…”
I just kept doing what I was doing as a dad. It made me feel connected in a very disconnected time. Even though we were now divorced parents and cell phones could have been an issue, it was a battle I chose not to fight.
Pick your Battles
I did pick battles. Unfortunately there were more than I would have liked. The emotions and the devastation felt during and after the dissolution of family were more than enough to bear. Dads have emotions too.
Who Pays
Well understood is the fact that when a family dissolves, finances take on a whole new look. The literature is full of reasons why we split up, and I am sure you know that money and the issues surrounding money is a major one. We disagree about what limited funds should be spent on. Financial burdens on families are heavy enough.
Counsellors and those in that industry tell us that before we marry we should ask our future partner a number of questions to check partner compatibility. Questions surrounding money are at the top. What are your thoughts on savings? How comfortable are you with debt? What are your spending habits?
So, who pays? In my case I did and I did not have an issue with it. However, there are other scenarios that exist around cell phones and who pays. These scenarios must fit within a budget.
Can I afford it now that my financial picture has changed? Am I angry with my ex-spouse so although I was paying before, I will no longer? Depending on your relationship with your former spouse, you may agree to split the cost, or a “you pay for this and I’ll pay for that” model might work. It might also be placed in a mandated court order.
What I found that does not work is an “I’m not paying for that.” attitude or “You better pay for the bill or else.” Coercion is never a good strategy. It perpetuates anger, is selfish and it doesn’t help the positive results of routine from a child’s point of view. Again, their family routine has already been shattered.
Limits
I did say I paid for the cell phones. I did say that I didn’t have a problem with it and I gave a few reasons why. However, I did set limits. People will rise and fall to our expectations. Children are no different.
In fact, children need expectations. It makes them functioning citizens who contribute to and live in our communities. So, what were these limits? At first there were no plans. There was a pay as you go option set at a monthly limit. It was set at a certain dollar value. You go over, you were done for the month.
Hard to get used to at first, but habit is not long forming. Later it was shared family plans with more options, more data, etc. There never seemed to be a hassle.
As my children grew older, I continued to pay but with the understanding that there were still limits. Now as young working adults, they pay for their own phones and plans. It’s funny that on the outside the issue seems simple; paying for cell phones. But in fact there were lessons learned. Lessons about limits, the difference between wants and needs and lessons about negotiation.
Is Communicating With Your Children Important to you
I am sure it is. Either when you were living with them full time or as a non-resident dad, communication is what makes the world go round. I needed to be in contact with my children each day. Even just to say hello.
That was another reason why I did not pick that battle. The cell phone made the very real disconnectedness I was now feeling more palatable. I could in an instant know where they were, what they were doing, and if they would like to join me for lunch!
Divorced Parents and Cell Phones: Important Questions to Ponder
Below is a list of questions that may help guide you through your decision.
Communication Guidelines:
– Have you established clear communication guidelines with your ex-partner regarding cell phone usage and access for your children?
– How do you plan to coordinate communication schedules, including calls, texts, and video chats, between both parents and the children?
Parental Control and Monitoring:
– What measures will you put in place to ensure appropriate use of cell phones by your children, considering their age and maturity level?
– Are there any parental control apps or features you plan to implement to monitor your children’s cell phone activities and ensure their safety?
Consistency Between Households:
– Have you discussed and agreed upon consistent rules and expectations regarding cell phone usage across both households?
– How will you handle differences in parenting styles and rules related to cell phones between you and your ex-partner?
Emergency Contact Information:
– Have you updated and shared emergency contact information, including phone numbers and medical details, between both parents and other relevant caregivers?
– How will you ensure that your children have access to important contact information in case of emergencies, regardless of which parent they are with?
Respect for Privacy and Boundaries:
– How will you balance the need for parental supervision with your children’s right to privacy when using cell phones?
– What guidelines will you establish to respect your children’s boundaries and encourage open communication about their online activities and interactions?
Setting Screen Time Limits:
– Have you discussed and agreed upon reasonable limits for screen time and cell phone usage for your children, taking into account their age, schoolwork, and extracurricular activities?
– How will you enforce screen time rules and encourage healthy habits regarding technology use in both households?
Conflict Resolution Strategies:
– How will you address conflicts or disagreements related to cell phone usage and parental control with your ex-partner in a constructive and respectful manner?
– What strategies will you use to communicate effectively and find mutually acceptable solutions to issues that may arise regarding your children’s cell phone usage?
Modeling Positive Behavior:
– Are you setting a positive example for your children by demonstrating responsible and respectful cell phone usage in your own daily life?
– How will you promote healthy habits and digital citizenship among your children, both online and offline?
Regular Reviews and Updates:
– Will you schedule regular meetings or check-ins with your ex-partner to review and update cell phone guidelines and rules based on your children’s evolving needs and circumstances?
– How will you adapt your approach to cell phone usage and parenting strategies as your children grow older and their technology habits change?
Seeking Professional Guidance:
– Are you open to seeking professional guidance or counseling to address any concerns or challenges related to co-parenting and cell phone usage after divorce?
– How will you prioritize the well-being and best interests of your children while navigating the complexities of divorced parenting in the digital age?
A Conclusion on Divorced Parents and Cell Phones
I have lived the issue of divorced parents and cell phones. I have tried to paint a picture of the model that worked for me.
There are many pictures that could be painted. Mine worked for me. I couldn’t see it any other way. I did it for my own reasons. I did not pick that battle, even though paying for cell phones was difficult.
I sacrificed that burden for the trade off; knowing I would have the ability to communicate with my children in an instant and knowing that I continued to contribute to a tradition and routine that began in another time.
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