The Aggressive Family Law Attorney

Table of Contents

Navigating Family Law: Understanding the Role of the Aggressive Family Law Attorney

Introduction

Family law is multifaceted. It encompasses various legal matters such as divorce, child custody, spousal support, and domestic violence. Negotiating through these issues often involves emotionally charged situations and significant life transitions. During such turbulent times, individuals rely on the guidance and representation of family law attorneys. Among them, the role of an aggressive family law attorney shines prominently, offering assertive advocacy and unwavering support to clients facing complex and challenging circumstances.

Family legal matters are inherently personal and deeply impactful, often involving intricate relationships and profound emotions. The decision to seek legal assistance in family law matters reflects the recognition of the complexities involved and the desire for competent guidance through the legal process. In this context, the role of a family lawyer is indispensable, serving as an advocate and counselor for clients navigating through tumultuous waters.

Navigating family law matters requires individuals to confront a myriad of legal, emotional, and financial challenges. From navigating divorce proceedings to resolving child custody disputes, each step in the legal process can be filled with uncertainty and complexity. The expertise and support of a skilled family law attorney provide individuals with the guidance and reassurance they need to navigate these challenges effectively. By offering compassionate counsel and strategic advocacy, family lawyers empower their clients to make informed decisions and pursue favorable outcomes in their cases.

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The Role of a Family Lawyer

Family lawyers serve as invaluable resources during tumultuous times, providing legal advice, representation, and strategic counsel to clients grappling with family-related legal matters. From navigating divorce proceedings to resolving disputes over child custody and property division, family lawyers play a pivotal role in safeguarding their clients’ rights and interests. An aggressive family law attorney embodies determination and resilience, employing proactive strategies to advocate for their clients effectively.

Within the realm of family law, attorneys wear multiple hats as legal advisors, negotiators, advocates, and mediators. Their expertise extends beyond courtroom litigation to encompass alternative dispute resolution methods and collaborative approaches. By offering comprehensive support and guidance, family lawyers help clients navigate the complexities of legal proceedings with confidence and clarity.

The role of a family lawyer extends beyond the confines of the courtroom. In addition to providing legal representation, family lawyers serve as confidants and advisors, offering emotional support and practical guidance to clients facing challenging circumstances. They take the time to understand their clients’ unique needs and concerns, developing personalized strategies to address their legal issues effectively. By fostering open communication and trust, family lawyers build strong relationships with their clients, empowering them to navigate through difficult times with resilience and determination.

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Understanding Aggressiveness in Legal Practice

Aggressiveness in family law practice is not synonymous with hostility or confrontation; rather, it denotes a proactive and assertive approach to advocating for clients’ interests. Aggressive family law attorneys leverage their legal acumen and advocacy skills to pursue favorable outcomes for their clients. Through assertive negotiation tactics and strategic litigation strategies, they strive to protect their clients’ rights and achieve optimal results.

In the realm of family law, aggressiveness involves taking decisive action to address clients’ concerns and safeguard their interests. Whether advocating for equitable distribution of marital assets or asserting parental rights in child custody disputes, aggressive attorneys employ a range of tactics to advance their clients’ objectives. Their tenacity and determination enable them to navigate complex legal terrain effectively and secure favorable resolutions.

Aggressiveness in legal practice requires a combination of skills, including legal knowledge, strategic thinking, and effective communication. Aggressive family law attorneys are adept at analyzing legal issues, identifying strengths and weaknesses in their clients’ cases, and developing compelling arguments to support their positions. They approach legal disputes with confidence and determination, advocating vigorously for their clients’ rights and interests.

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Pros and Cons of Hiring the Aggressive Family Law Attorney

Aggressive Family Law Attorney

The decision to engage an aggressive family law attorney entails weighing the potential benefits and drawbacks. On one hand, aggressive representation may lead to favorable outcomes for clients, including equitable settlements, custody arrangements, and protection of legal rights. Aggressive attorneys possess the skills and determination to advocate zealously on behalf of their clients, often achieving results that align with their clients’ goals.

However, aggressive representation may also pose challenges, particularly in cases where tensions escalate and conflicts intensify. Prolonged litigation and adversarial proceedings can strain relationships between parties and exacerbate emotional distress. It is essential for clients to assess the potential risks and benefits of hiring an aggressive family law attorney and explore alternative avenues for dispute resolution where appropriate.

Despite its potential drawbacks, aggressive representation can be effective in achieving favorable outcomes in family law matters. Aggressive attorneys are skilled negotiators and litigators who are not afraid to assert their clients’ interests in court. Their assertiveness and determination can help level the playing field in contentious legal disputes and ensure that clients’ rights are protected throughout the legal process.

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Ethical Considerations and the Aggressive Family Law AttorneyAggressive Family Law Attorney

Ethical considerations are paramount in the practice of family law, regardless of the attorney’s approach. Aggressive family law attorneys are held to the highest standards of professional conduct, upholding principles of integrity, honesty, and respect in their interactions with clients, colleagues, and adversaries. While zealous advocacy is encouraged, it must be tempered by a commitment to ethical principles and legal norms.

Aggressive representation should never compromise the integrity of the legal process or undermine the dignity of opposing parties. Family law attorneys have a duty to uphold the rule of law and promote the fair administration of justice. This necessitates conducting themselves with professionalism, civility, and integrity at all times, even in the face of contentious litigation.

Ethical considerations permeate every aspect of legal practice, guiding attorneys’ conduct and shaping their interactions with clients, opposing counsel, and the judiciary. Family law attorneys must adhere to ethical rules and guidelines established by professional organizations and regulatory authorities, ensuring that their actions align with principles of fairness, justice, and equity.

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Alternatives to Aggressive Legal Representation

While aggressive legal representation may be appropriate in certain circumstances, it is not always the most effective approach to resolving family law disputes. Alternative methods of dispute resolution, such as mediation, collaborative law, and negotiation, offer opportunities for parties to reach mutually acceptable agreements outside of the courtroom.

Mediation provides a structured forum for parties to engage in facilitated discussions and negotiate settlements with the assistance of a neutral mediator. Collaborative law encourages cooperative problem-solving and fosters open communication between parties and their attorneys. Negotiation allows parties to explore common ground and identify areas of compromise, with the goal of reaching mutually beneficial resolutions.

These alternative approaches to dispute resolution prioritize cooperation, communication, and compromise, helping parties avoid protracted litigation and mitigate the emotional and financial costs associated with adversarial proceedings. By embracing alternative methods of dispute resolution, families can achieve amicable resolutions that preserve relationships and promote healing.

Alternative dispute resolution methods offer numerous benefits, including flexibility, confidentiality, and efficiency. They empower parties to maintain control over the resolution process and collaborate in crafting creative solutions that address their unique needs and interests. By fostering open communication and collaboration, alternative dispute resolution methods promote constructive dialogue and enable parties to move forward with clarity and closure.

Recommendations

Aggressive Family Law Attorney

  • Referrals and Recommendations: Start by asking friends, family members, or colleagues who have gone through similar family law matters for recommendations. Personal referrals often provide valuable insights into the effectiveness and style of an attorney.
  • Online Directories and Reviews: Utilize online resources such as legal directories and review websites to research attorneys in your area. Websites like Avvo, FindLaw, and Martindale-Hubbell and this site, www.divorceddadsmagazine.com, offer directories where you can search for family law attorneys and read client reviews and ratings.
  • Bar Associations: Contact your local or state bar association for referrals to reputable family law attorneys. Bar associations often have referral services that can match you with attorneys based on your specific needs and preferences.
  • Consultations: Schedule initial consultations with multiple attorneys to discuss your case and evaluate their approach. During the consultation, inquire about the attorney’s experience handling cases similar to yours, their litigation style, and their willingness to pursue aggressive strategies when necessary.
  • Ask About Track Record: Inquire about the attorney’s track record of success in handling family law cases. Ask for examples of cases similar to yours that the attorney has handled and the outcomes achieved. A proven track record of successful outcomes can indicate the attorney’s effectiveness in advocating for their clients.
  • Assess Communication Style: Pay attention to the attorney’s communication style and responsiveness during the consultation. You want an attorney who listens attentively to your concerns, communicates clearly and effectively, and keeps you informed about developments in your case.
  • Evaluate Compatibility: Consider the attorney’s personality and whether you feel comfortable working with them. Building a strong attorney-client relationship based on trust and mutual respect is essential, particularly in emotionally charged family law matters.
  • Consider Specialization: Look for attorneys who specialize in family law and have extensive experience handling cases in this practice area. Specialized expertise allows attorneys to navigate the complexities of family law proceedings more effectively and pursue aggressive strategies tailored to your specific situation.
  • Review Client Testimonials: Take the time to read client testimonials and reviews to gain insights into the experiences of past clients with the attorney. Positive testimonials can provide reassurance about the attorney’s competence and dedication to achieving favorable outcomes for their clients.
  • Fee Structure: Discuss the attorney’s fee structure during the initial consultation to ensure transparency and clarity regarding legal fees and expenses. Inquire about billing practices, retainer fees, and any additional costs associated with your case.

By following these recommendations and conducting thorough research, you can find an aggressive family attorney who is well-equipped to represent your interests and advocate effectively on your behalf in family law matters.

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Conclusion

In conclusion, the role of an aggressive family law attorney is multifaceted and dynamic, requiring a delicate balance of assertiveness, ethics, and professionalism. While aggressive representation can be effective in advancing clients’ interests and achieving favorable outcomes, it must be tempered by ethical considerations and a commitment to upholding the integrity of the legal profession.

Clients facing family law matters should carefully evaluate their options and consider the potential benefits and risks of hiring an aggressive attorney. Alternative methods of dispute resolution offer viable alternatives to litigation and empower parties to reach mutually acceptable agreements in a collaborative and constructive manner.

By working with skilled and experienced legal professionals, individuals can navigate the complexities of family law with confidence and clarity, knowing that their rights and interests are being safeguarded. Whether through aggressive advocacy or alternative dispute resolution, the ultimate goal remains the same: to achieve fair and equitable resolutions that serve the best interests of all parties involved.

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Narcissist Coparent

Table of Contents

Understanding The Narcissist CoparentNarcissist Coparent

Narcissistic Traits and Characteristics

The narcissist coparent often displays grandiosity, viewing themselves as inherently superior to others. This grandiose self-perception may lead them to exaggerate their achievements and talents, seeking constant admiration and validation from those around them. Their lack of empathy is a defining characteristic, making it challenging for them to comprehend or connect with the emotions and experiences of others, including their own children.

This lack of empathy enables manipulative behaviors such as gaslighting, where they distort reality to maintain control and undermine the perceptions of others. Finally, narcissists have a pervasive sense of entitlement, believing they are deserving of special treatment and privileges. These traits profoundly influence coparenting dynamics, often resulting in power struggles, emotional manipulation, and fractured relationships.

Manifestations in Coparenting

The narcissist coparent often seek to maintain control and dominance over the other parent. They may disregard the authority of the coparent, challenging their decisions and imposing their own rules and expectations. Gaslighting and manipulation tactics are frequently employed to distort reality and undermine the coparent’s confidence.

The narcissistic coparent may use their children as tools to fulfill their own desires or to punish the other parent, resulting in emotional distress and confusion for the children. These behaviors create an environment of tension and conflict, making coparenting with a narcissist emotionally draining and challenging for all parties involved.

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Challenges of Coparenting with a NarcissistNarcissist Coparent

High Conflict and Drama

Coparenting with a narcissist is often characterized by high levels of conflict and drama. Every interaction has the potential to escalate into a battle of wills, with the narcissist refusing to compromise or engage in rational discourse. Their unpredictable behavior keeps the other parent on edge, creating a constant state of tension and anxiety. The narcissist coparent’s focus on winning and asserting dominance further fuels the flames of conflict, making effective coparenting communication nearly impossible.

Parental Alienation and Emotional Abuse

One of the most detrimental aspects of coparenting with a narcissist is the risk of parental alienation and emotional abuse. Narcissistic coparents may engage in manipulative tactics to turn the children against the other parent, poisoning their minds with negative narratives and false accusations. This emotional manipulation not only damages the parent-child relationship but also undermines the children’s emotional well-being and sense of security. The long-term effects of parental alienation can be profound, leading to issues with trust, self-esteem, and relationship dynamics later in life.

Emotional Distress and Well-being

For the non-narcissistic parent, coparenting with a narcissist can take a significant toll on their emotional well-being. The constant stress, anxiety, and emotional manipulation can lead to feelings of helplessness and despair. The non-narcissistic parent may find themselves constantly walking on eggshells, afraid to trigger the narcissist’s wrath. This emotional strain can manifest in physical health issues such as insomnia, headaches, and digestive problems, further exacerbating the challenges of coparenting with a narcissist.

Children’s Emotional Well-being

Children caught in the crossfire of coparenting with a narcissist often experience profound emotional turmoil. They may feel torn between their loyalty to both parents, struggling to make sense of conflicting narratives and behaviors. The emotional instability of the coparenting environment can leave children feeling anxious, insecure, and confused about their own identity and relationships. The long-term effects of growing up in such an environment can be devastating, impacting their ability to form healthy relationships and navigate the challenges of adulthood.

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Strategies for Coparenting with a Narcissist

Setting Boundaries and Limitations

Establishing clear boundaries is crucial when dealing with a narcissist coparent. Clearly defining what behavior is acceptable and what is not helps protect the non-narcissistic parent and the children from manipulation and emotional abuse. Consistency in enforcing boundaries and consequences for violations is essential for maintaining their effectiveness.

Effective Communication Techniques

Communication with a narcissistic coparent should be brief, neutral, and focused on essential matters related to the children’s well-being. Utilizing written communication methods like email or text messages helps create a record of interactions and agreements, reducing the risk of manipulation or gaslighting. Maintaining emotional detachment is key when engaging with a narcissistic coparent, refusing to be drawn into their drama or manipulation tactics.

Parallel Parenting Approach

In cases of high conflict, parallel parenting can be an effective strategy for minimizing direct contact between coparents. Each parent manages their relationship with the children independently, reducing opportunities for conflict or manipulation during shared interactions. This approach allows both parents to focus on providing a stable and nurturing environment for the children without being undermined or controlled by the other parent.

Prioritize Self-Care and Emotional Well-being

Prioritizing self-care activities that promote physical, emotional, and mental well-being is essential for coping with the stress of coparenting with a narcissist. Seeking professional support through therapy, counseling, or support groups provides a safe space to process emotions, gain perspective, and develop coping strategies. Building a support network of friends, family members, or online communities can offer empathy, encouragement, and validation during difficult times.

Validate Your Children’s Feelings and Experiences

Creating a safe and supportive environment for children to express their thoughts, feelings, and concerns without judgment is crucial. Validating their emotions and experiences helps them feel heard, understood, and supported, fostering healthy emotional development and resilience.

Seek Professional Intervention and Support

Engaging the services of a family therapist, mediator, or coparenting coordinator experienced in navigating high-conflict coparenting dynamics can provide valuable support and guidance. Legal consultation may also be necessary to explore options for protecting yourself and your children from abusive or manipulative behaviors.

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A Narcissist Coparent Checklist

Establish Clear Boundaries

Define clear boundaries regarding communication, decision-making, and behavior expectations with the narcissistic coparent. This may include establishing guidelines for respectful communication, setting boundaries on topics of discussion, and the sharing of responsibilities.

Enforce boundaries consistently and assertively, refusing to engage in manipulative or toxic behaviors that violate your personal boundaries or emotional well-being. This might involve calmly asserting your boundaries when they are crossed and implementing consequences for repeated violations.

Prioritize Children’s Well-being

Keep the children’s best interests at the forefront of all decisions and interactions. This entails making decisions based on what is best for the children’s emotional, physical, and psychological well-being, rather than succumbing to personal conflicts or agendas.

Shield children from parental conflicts and manipulation tactics, providing them with a stable and nurturing environment. This involves minimizing exposure to contentious interactions between coparents and offering reassurance and support to children who may be caught in the middle.

Maintain Neutral Communication

Keep communication brief, neutral, and focused on essential matters related to the children’s well-being. This includes communicating about practical matters such as schedules, appointments, and important events without delving into personal or emotional topics.

Utilize written communication methods like email or text messages to create a record of interactions and agreements, reducing the risk of manipulation or gaslighting. Written communication allows for clarity and documentation, serving as a reference point in case of disputes or misunderstandings.

Practice Emotional Detachment

Maintain emotional detachment when engaging with the narcissistic coparent, refusing to be drawn into their drama or manipulation tactics. This involves recognizing when emotional triggers arise and consciously choosing not to react impulsively or emotionally.

Focus on maintaining your own emotional well-being and resilience, prioritizing self-care activities that promote physical, emotional, and mental health. Engaging in activities such as exercise, mindfulness, and hobbies helps build emotional strength and resilience in the face of challenging coparenting dynamics.

Embrace Parallel Parenting Approach

Embrace a parallel parenting approach that allows each parent to manage their relationship with the children independently. This involves recognizing that you and the narcissistic coparent may have different parenting styles and philosophies, and allowing each parent to exercise their authority and make decisions within their own time with the children.

Minimize direct contact between coparents to reduce opportunities for conflict or manipulation during shared interactions. Utilize tools such as parenting apps, shared calendars, and third-party communication platforms to facilitate necessary communication while limiting direct interaction.

Validate Children’s Feelings and Experiences

Create a safe and supportive environment for children to express their thoughts, feelings, and concerns without judgment. Foster open communication and actively listen to your children’s perspectives and experiences, validating their emotions and providing reassurance.

Validate their emotions and experiences, helping them feel heard, understood, and supported during challenging times. Acknowledge the validity of their feelings and offer empathy and understanding, reassuring them that their emotions are normal and natural.

Seek Professional Support

Consider seeking therapy, counseling, or support groups to process emotions, gain perspective, and develop coping strategies. Professional support can provide valuable insight, guidance, and validation during challenging coparenting situations.

Engage the services of a family therapist, mediator, or coparenting coordinator experienced in navigating high-conflict coparenting dynamics. These professionals can facilitate productive communication, help establish boundaries, and provide strategies for managing conflict effectively.

Document Interactions and Agreements

Keep detailed records of all communication exchanges, agreements, and incidents related to coparenting with the narcissist. Maintain a journal or electronic log documenting dates, times, and details of interactions, including any instances of manipulation, coercion, or emotional abuse.

Maintain documentation of parenting schedules, financial transactions, and any instances of manipulation or emotional abuse. Having a thorough record of coparenting interactions can serve as evidence in legal proceedings and provide validation of your experiences.

Focus on Self-Care

Prioritize self-care activities that promote physical, emotional, and mental well-being, carving out time for relaxation, hobbies, and activities that bring joy and fulfillment. Engage in activities that nurture your overall well-being and provide a sense of balance and rejuvenation.

Build a support network of friends, family members, or online communities who understand your struggles and can offer empathy, encouragement, and validation during difficult times. Surround yourself with individuals who provide emotional support and understanding, helping you navigate the challenges of coparenting with a narcissist.

Explore Legal Options

Consult with a family law attorney to explore legal options and safeguards for protecting yourself and your children from abusive or manipulative behaviors. Gain an understanding of your legal rights and responsibilities as a coparent, and explore avenues for legal recourse in cases of harassment, emotional abuse, or parental alienation.

Familiarize yourself with your legal rights and responsibilities as a coparent, advocating for your family’s well-being through appropriate legal channels. Educate yourself about relevant laws, regulations, and procedures governing custody, visitation, and child support, and seek legal guidance to protect your interests and the interests of your children.

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Conclusion

Coparenting with a narcissist presents a myriad of challenges that demand resilience, patience, and proactive strategies for promoting stability and healing. By gaining insight into the dynamics of narcissistic behavior, setting clear boundaries, prioritizing self-care, validating your children’s experiences, and seeking professional support, you can navigate the complexities of coparenting with a narcissist with greater confidence and resilience.

Remember that while you may not be able to change the narcissistic coparent’s behavior, you possess the power to control how you respond and protect yourself and your children from the harmful effects of narcissistic abuse. With perseverance, support, and a steadfast commitment to your children’s well-being, healing and growth are attainable even in the face of adversity.

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What Is An Ironclad Prenup and Can One Be Forged?

Table of Contents

Introduction

For many, prenups have a way of deflating the romanticism leading up to that special day. It could be perceived as a form of negative signaling or thought of as agreeing to failure before you even get started. So, is agreeing to a prenup the same as  forecasting the demise of a planned life together? A well-crafted, ironclad prenup is likely to persuade the unsure partner that what is being presented is at least enforceable and equitable.

Ironclad Prenup Agreement

Mention the idea and you may see a grimace or cringe. How is it possible that in the throws of romance and the excitement of planning, “you actually want me to agree to such a thing!”.

At a glance, the thought of such an agreement might make the strongest of hearts think twice about a spouse’s motives.

A prenup, or premarital agreement is any agreement that protects each person’s accumulated current or future wealth heading into matrimony or at the time of the death of a spouse.

These agreements are also more common in second marriages, where the first divorce was financially tasking, and in first marriages of older couples who have had time to accumulate assets.

Newly weds may have business assets they wish to protect if the marriage is not successful.  However, it is usually the spouse initiating the discussion that will have assets that need to be protected for a variety of reasons.

Sometimes parents or other family members of the wealthier soon-to-be will insist on a prenup. Sometimes the business advisor or lawyer of a family business will have that discussion with the family and propose a solution.

Solutions to the prenup

For example, a son of a prominent, generations-old business has been married and divorced. Personal costs to the son and family business were not negligible. That son wishes to remarry.

When the idea of a prenup is mentioned this time around, it is rejected outright. The fear of having to request such a thing seemed to overrule any rational thought to its benefit.

The next discussion then, might center around how to persuade the groom that a prenup was necessary, especially with the previous divorce’s bad tastes still lingering. Better to have this conversation before the wedding, than wishing you had it when one is needed.

A crafty solution might involve taking the heat off the groom and the other shareholders. It could be decided that the insistence of a prenuptial agreement was on behalf of the company, not the groom.

That is, written into the shareholder’s agreement might be a clause that states that any marriage proposal, by any shareholder, would have to enter into a prenuptial agreement.

If not, the shareholder would have to forfeit all existing shares back to the company.

In approaching a prenup this way, the groom can “blame” the prenup on the company and not have to bare the responsibility.

Farm families may also find themselves needing the protection of such an agreement, where farms held by families for generations do not lose part or all of the enterprise where one or two family members may marry and divorce.

These generational farms may also demand someone marrying into the family would be obliged to agree to a prenuptial agreement.

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Is a Prenup NecessaryEngagement Ring

You may already know that divorce rates are high. Depending on where you look, the rate reflects between forty and fifty percent of all marriages will fail. How is it, that four or five in ten marriages fail?

The institution of marriage has been evolving. The sacrament of marriage has been eroding over the last number of years.

“Today’s family conversely, may have a same-sex partnership, a single dad or a single mom.”

Cultural norms change over time. Laws are a reflection of the needs of a society, so it would make sense that legal battles would change how an evolving society sees marriage through legal eyes.

The once solid, rigid sacrament of marriage can now be challenged on many grounds. The occurrence of no-fault divorce has made it possible to make the process a little more tolerable.

Private Investigators could not have been happy. No further need of grainy photos taken through draped windows to get proof of infidelity.

Marriage Certificate

What of the marrying couple of our time? What is marriage to them? What does a family look like?

Previous generations saw marriage as a partnership, most often a man and a woman, that had to be worked on together, and attention to self was not a part of the contract.

Today’s family conversely, may have a same-sex partnership, a single dad or a single mom.

It seems present brides and grooms are more interested in how the marriage will advance their personal goals rather than losing self and falling to the partnership of marriage.

Where previous cultural, social and legal ideologies made it more difficult to end a marriage, today’s shift in values, laws and motives for marriage have made the legal entity of marriage easier to  walk away from.

In this environment, an ironclad prenup, one that will be upheld, might be worth the consideration. It is a smart thing to do.

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How to Forge an Ironclad Prenupcreating an ironclad prenup

Having completed your research on how to create a well-crafted, ironclad prenup, you would have noticed that without exception, there are a few standard inclusions.

Prenuptial agreements weren’t always enforceable. However, laws have been created and amended to reflect societal values. That is, courts will uphold agreements providing they include the following;

  • It needs to be a formal agreement, usually drafted by a lawyer. What works for you regarding legal advice may differ from another. Prenups should be considered one-offs as each will have different contingencies. There seems to be no such thing as an off-the-shelf prenup.
  • Each person might want to obtain independent legal advice. In doing so, the court acknowledges that a party who may have more to lose financially, has had an opportunity to understand what is being signed and explained to them by independent counsel.
  • If you are expecting a judge to uphold your prenup, s/he will want to see full proof of financial disclosure. In these cases, a complete financial audit will be necessary. In the case where there is some suspicion of hiding assets, you can be sure the chances of the agreement being upheld will be slim.
  • The agreement must have, in some form, security for present or future children. It is unlikely any court would uphold an agreement where the children are not taken care of financially.
  • A prenuptial agreement must be fair. Imagine having to rule on an agreement that was written unfairly. It would be obvious to any court that the agreement was not done to protect both parties, but written to leave the challenger with pittance. There would have to be amendments, if upheld at all.
  • An obvious characteristic of an ironclad prenup is that there should never be any proof of pressure to sign under duress. That is, it should be signed voluntarily. Anecdotes of one newly wed or the other being shown the papers hours before the ceremony might not be fiction.

The likelihood of any prenup being upheld that was signed under duress, well I think you are getting the picture.

Hand holding a clock

  • Conversely, bringing up the discussion of the prenup as early as possible is advisable. Twelve months out would not be considered too early. There will be enough to do as the day creeps up. Having to deal with the queries concerning a prenup while deciding which dress to buy might get tangly.
  • Reflecting on an earlier description of today’s evolved bride and groom, it gives both the opportunity to participate in open discussion about  their futures, both individually and as a couple. It is here where a family therapist or pre-marriage therapist might help. Not surprisingly, the opportunity for open discussion might be considered the reason for a prenuptial agreement.
  • To say emotions may be running high during the planning would be too obvious. If you are the person suggesting the prenup, expect an emotional response.
  • A well-crafted prenup will also have the option for a lump-sum payout in case of divorce. This option gives both parties an idea of future finances. This is an easier option that having to consider future earning and payouts based on those. Also, a lump-sum payout stops any future attempts to sue for more.

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An Ironclad Prenup Conclusion

Prenuptial agreements seem complicated. They are. When the fear of not bringing it up outweighs the benefits of bringing it up, it has to be a powerful thing and therefore worth the discussion.

Not unlike planning well for any task to increase its likelihood of success, it is no different for the prenuptial agreement, for it seems there are prenuptial agreements and then there are prenuptial agreements.

What do you think? Please continue the conversation below by asking about or commenting on your experience with prenups.

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Leave a Comment Below

How do you feel about what you’ve read? Leave a comment below if you would like to tell us about your co-parenting experience! Or if you would like to send a note, use our contact form! Thanks for reading, and come back again!

Divorce Counseling

Table of Contents

An Introduction to Divorce Counseling

Divorce has been compared to death. But unlike death, divorce has a way of rearing its head repeatedly. Not saying death does not, but where death is a finite event, the enduring collateral damage of the divorce process is not. This may be a reason why divorce counseling is recommended, and at times mandated. Before you continue reading. ask yourself what divorce counseling means to you and then compare your answer after you have read through.

divorce counseling.

The intention here is to help those in the process of divorce or those who believe that a decision about divorce is inevitable. We will start with a look at the stages of divorce and why understanding these stages will help you choose a counselor that may best suit your divorce counseling needs no matter where you are in your journey.

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Stages of Divorce Counseling

When you think of divorce counseling or a divorce counselor what do you imagine? What questions have you asked to prepare for your decision in selecting a reputable therapist. Do you care?

Apparently what we think and where we are in our divorce journey is an important distinction when we are ready to reach out for help. And there is evidence telling us we should.

Esther Oshiver Fisher defines divorce counseling as an answer to the personal and cultural needs of the divorcing and divorced population. It is a therapeutic  process by which those who experience and continue to experience the pain and humiliation of divorce can be helped toward personal growth and adjustment.

How and when does the thought of divorcing our partner become a reality. Do we think about it from time to time? What happened to make us think about it? Do we think on it and make plans with the intention of following through?

Just thinking about divorce carries emotional pain. Will I, won’t I? We have decided that it will become reality. Or it may be our spouse who initiates. We may at some point physically distance ourselves from our spouse. Finally, reality sets in quickly when we reach a legal necessity.

The divorce process, like most things, occurs along a timeline.  It is in understanding the timeline and identifying at which stage you are, can make a difference in the selection of a therapist, and have you on a quicker path to recovery.

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Stage 1 Divorce Counseling

Divorce Counseling Stages

A first or preliminary stage in the divorce counselor spectrum is predivorce counseling. We asked above about your thoughts on divorce. In this stage, divorce is no longer a thought but becomes a reality when one or the other spouse says or does something where divorce is the only option. An extramarital affair for example.

Marriages have survived extramarital affaires, but I use this example because I believe for most it would be a game changer.

The goal of the predivorce counselor and you the client(s) at this time, is to determine  to divorce or not. This would be done over time, possibly with the help of marriage counseling if the decision is to not.

It is the distinction between marriage counselor and divorce counselor where Fisher takes issue. She believes the term marriage counselor may lead to confusion on the part of the clients. You may select a marriage counselor to do a divorce counselor’s job.

The term marriage counselor may for some insinuate although they are ready to divorce, the marriage counselor may have some skin in the game in trying to keep the marriage together.

A acceptable term for these counselors might be marriage and divorce counselors. With this moniker, clients might not feel trapped and the counselor is able to move clients forward whichever way the therapy moves.

divorce counseling; chaos to order

We are disoriented as our normalcy is brought into chaos. Emotions are high. Here, the counselor must bring order to chaos and lend their strength. And there is no time to waste.

Once emotions have subdued and things are a bit more placid, the counselor will speak of reason and decision. A decision to save the marriage or divorce must be made.

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Stage 2 Divorce Counseling

The second stage of the umbrella term divorce counseling is divorce counseling. This stage of counseling focuses on the divorce. If the divorce is handled through  lawyers and not mediation or a judge, it is here they will appear.

The counselor may or may not see you as a pair. Things may be less cooperative. Separately will still have benefits, however. There is still a need to see clearly through the emotions we struggle with, concerns about the children, finances or housing.

A divorce counselor’s role here should be to help subdue any conflict or anger that may be occurring, in an attempt to shorten the litigation process. Where spouse’s demands may be elevated because of anger, this stage of counselling would be especially beneficial where fault could be upheld.

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Stage 3 Divorce Counseling

Post divorce counseling occurs at or near the end of the marriage contract, Emotions range from elation to loneliness. Things are busy and new. Again, the counselor will be able to guide you through the complexities of post-divorce.

Often, custody schedules, co-parenting responsibilities and money decisions create continued hostility. A counselor will support a smoother post-divorce transition.

divorce counseling; all is well

A reevaluation of your relationship with your ex-spouse will most likely occur as time passes. Spouses sometimes critique why they entered into the marriage, who that person was and come to terms with any remaining concerns that would hinder the co-parenting to come.

The goal of post-divorce counseling is to empower the divorcing couple to make sound judgements and decisions, to create new systems that lend guidance.

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A Stages Rationale for Divorce Counseling

So, you may be thinking, isn’t divorce just divorce? Why break it into stages? Isn’t that silly? Well, think about it for a second. In the beginning emotions are flailing.

Feelings of sadness and guilt prevail. You may even rethink divorce and stay in the marriage, or divorce may be thrust upon you. Sounds like stage 1. And stage 2? After all of the emotion and slogging through, lawyers may get involved and physical divorce occurs.

Then onto the post-divorce era, where you are living in separate homes and hopefully a cooperative co-parenting schedule has been developed.

I believe itemizing the stages of divorce and therefore divorce counseling, allows us to digest the entire process, which is overwhelming, by reshaping it into smaller, more digestible pieces.

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Denial

Denial is just that, denying what is happening is not. “This is not happening to me!” Blame may be placed on just being depressed or having a lack of motivation.

For us men, it is helpful to know that it will generally be the wife who will bring up counseling at this stage. If you are at all interested in saving your marriage, it would be a good idea to talk about it.

Evidence exists that supports the cooperation and attendance of both spouses at counseling sessions is most affective. However, this will not occur if one or the other feels “dragged” in.

The counselor’s goal here and yours should be to understand that yes there are difficulties in the marriage.

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Anger

Anger is an emotional response and is present if we are injured, threatened or interfered with.  During the early stages of divorce, our anger can manifest itself as tantrums or attempts to self-protect.

Getting rid of this emotion is best achieved through catharsis. At this stage you need an outlet to vent in a place where support is available.

Also, understand that the physical displacement of anger through catharsis is necessary, what follows is as important. That is, the goal of being able to function productively.

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Bargaining

Bargaining may take place through the entire divorce process but it is here where attempts or appeals at coming to terms with the outcome highlight the bargaining strategy of one spouse or the other.

Be aware of manipulation. Sexual manipulation or the threat of pregnancy are forms of bargaining.

A spouse may demand unrealistic sexual demands or threaten pregnancy where the idea of a child would amend all wrongdoing.  Bargaining sometimes takes the form of an offer of a truce and continue as things were.

This may be legitimate. However, knowing that this may not be a genuine offer is in your best interest.

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Depression

Depression may be defined as a feeling of hopelessness in the face of a disappointment or loss, to be despondent.  Depression associated with divorce can be related to both sadness and pessimism.

It is likely that at this stage a self-deprecating pattern is routine. Negative statements about yourself or references to your inability to carry on define this stage. If you can identify this, then you will help your counselor guide you through.

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Acceptance

The name says it all. At this fifth and final stage a spouse accepts the loss and accepts a divorced lifestyle. This is the hope for all counselors and the end goal for a divorcing spouse.

As part of acceptance, we strive to be fully autonomous with a reframed set of values and perspectives, much like “I’m kinda glad it’s over” or a “Let’s now move on” attitude.

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Support for Divorce as Death Analogy In Divorce Counseling

Divorce Counseling: Husband and disappearing wife

Some may have a problem with comparing divorce with death. It would be understandable if someone might take offense I think. They may have lost a loved one and support their argument by stating the obvious; I loved my father but hated my wife! How could they be the same!

But if we look at it through another lens, we might be able to see how the two could be compared.

In Counseling for Constructive Divorce, Donald J. Froland and Thomas L. Hozman  reported from their counseling sessions with numerous couples that in fact the divorce as death analogy was supported.

As such, they adopted a counseling model based on Elizabeth Kubler-Ross’ book On Death and Dying. Froland and Hozman indicate that this is a working model and to understand that not all individuals follow each stage one after the other and may be at different stages at different times.

They have found despite this however, that it has been successful in helping divorced and divorcing couples in their practice.

You as the divorced or divorcing seeking or thinking about counseling, it would be helpful to self-analyze in order to verify if you are feeling any of these and where you are in the timeline of the stages.

Knowing and understanding this will help you and your counselor begin where you are and take you to where you need or would like to be.

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A Checklist

Here is a checklist that may help you choose the right counselor;

Qualifications and Experience

[ ] What is your professional background and experience in counseling couples?

[ ] Are you licensed and accredited by relevant counseling bodies or associations?

[ ] How long have you been practicing marriage counseling, and what percentage of your practice is devoted to couples therapy?

Approach to Counseling

[ ] What counseling techniques or approaches do you typically use when working with couples?

[ ] How do you tailor your approach to the specific needs and circumstances of each couple?

[ ] Can you explain your philosophy regarding marriage counseling and the goals we might work towards?

Confidentiality and Boundaries

[ ] How do you maintain confidentiality throughout the counseling process?

[ ] What are your policies regarding client privacy and the sharing of information between partners?

[ ] How do you handle situations where confidentiality may need to be breached?

Availability and Communication

[ ] What is your availability for counseling sessions, and how often do you recommend we meet?

[ ] How can we reach you in case of emergencies or urgent concerns outside of scheduled sessions?

[ ] Do you offer any forms of remote counseling, such as phone or video sessions?

Fees and Payment

[ ] What are your counseling fees, and do you offer any sliding scale or discounted rates?

[ ] Do you accept insurance, and if so, which providers do you work with?

[ ] What is your policy regarding missed or canceled appointments?

Client-Counselor Relationship

[ ] How do you approach building a trusting and supportive relationship with couples?

[ ] What should we expect in terms of our interactions and the dynamics of our counseling relationship?

[ ] How do you handle disagreements or conflicts that may arise during counseling sessions?

Referrals and Additional Resources

[ ] Are there any additional resources or books you recommend for couples seeking to improve their relationship?

[ ] Do you collaborate with other professionals, such as psychologists or family therapists, to provide comprehensive support?

[ ] Can you provide references or testimonials from previous couples who have benefited from your counseling services?

Goals and Expectations

[ ] What are realistic outcomes or milestones we can work towards during our counseling sessions?

[ ] How will we measure progress and evaluate the effectiveness of our counseling efforts?

[ ] What role do you see counseling playing in our overall journey toward a healthier and happier relationship?

Follow-Up and Continued Support

[ ] What is your approach to follow-up care and ongoing support after our counseling sessions conclude?

[ ] Are there any tools or exercises you recommend for maintaining a strong and resilient relationship after counseling?

[ ] How can we reconnect with you in the future if we feel the need for additional counseling or support?

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A Conclusion to Divorce Counseling

The purpose of writing today was to explain a little about the stages that we experience as we make our way through the stages of divorce.

Knowing and understanding these stages can help us identify where we are as we make our way. Our self-healing diagnosis and understanding can be communicated to a counselor as part of the support process.

Knowing where you are in the undertaking, can also provide you with guidance when you are selecting a counselor that will work for you.

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Co-Parenting Counseling

Table of Contents

An Introduction

This article is meant to help co-parents understand that though it is not easy, especially at a time of turmoil and loss, co-parenting counseling is good practice in helping the continued positive development of the children. They are also mourners in the death of the marriage. It is because of them that we should try everything possible to make the transition into the co-parenting world as smooth as possible.

With changing attitudes toward parenting and the father’s role, co-parenting dads, especially non-resident co-parenting dads, are met with challenges during the transition into this new role. Often, co-parenting counseling is beneficial, but not always easy to achieve.

Separation and divorce are considered an adverse childhood experience and contributes to increased risk for negative physical and behavioral outcomes in adulthood.

Both co-parents must be in a position emotionally to try what should be a cooperative path forward. As we know and have possibly experienced, the transition from divorced parents to a co-operative teamwork model is not easy.

Co-Parenting Counseling

How is it possible to go from a conflicted relationship, which is generally what brought the end of a marriage in the first place to a point of cooperation? Reading and researching as you are doing now is a good first step.

So, if you are a co-parent dad or soon to be, and you care about your child’s development (some don’t) into adulthood, and you would like to improve your co-parenting model, then co-parenting counselling is a very good step.

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What Is Co-Parenting

What does co-parenting look like? From its name, we can figure out that its definition might have something to do with the divorced or separated parents doing their share to raise their children using a cooperative model.

Of course, there is more to it than that. Best-practice will reflect co-parenting where the interests of the children are nourished, as most likely would have been the case in the married household.

Successful co-parenting would be demonstrated by successful daily communication where conflict would be kept at a minimum and where the co-parents would work together as a team, to once again advance the interests of the children.

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An Unclear Path

co-parenting counseling; help with questions

Co-parenting should be easy right? Easy for you to say, you’re thinking. And you would be right in some instances.  There is, like everything else, a spectrum of co-parenting models. They range from fully cooperative to fully conflictual. And then there’s something in-between.

Even with the best interests of divorcing parents and their children in mind, professionals who make it their business to guide and educate, generally do not see this co-operative, communicative, minimal conflict model often in their practice.

Society has given us rules to make our way through the dating and courting process and we can reflect on the patterns of others on how to proceed with a successful marriage.

When it comes to divorce however, things are not so straightforward. It may be that divorce and separation was once and may still be frowned upon by society. Therefore, there wasn’t much interest in creating rules or norms around which those who are divorced or separated would be able to follow. It seems we then have to go it alone, each family having to create their own new world. Not a great start. Thankfully, for a variety of reason, attitudes around divorce are changing.

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Barriers To Co-Parenting Counseling

co-parenting counseling

In their new roles, the co-parent’s main objective should be to take care of the children and finances. Women who left the work force to raise the children find it difficult reentering, creating financial stress.

It is here also where fathers, especially those who see child support orders as unfair, may become angry and frustrated and instead of diminishing the conflictual relationship, will continue co-parenting in an ongoing state of turmoil.

This anger and frustration may exist, because as divorce dads we might think that we are supporting our ex-spouse, and not the children. Since it is to the former spouse that the money goes. We do not know what is being done with the money or even if it is going where we would want it to go.

We can do a couple of things here. We can reframe our thoughts about who the money is going to by understanding that the money is for the children and not the ex-spouse. And hopefully it is going to the children. We can also request an account of where the money is going. This could be accomplished in a co-parenting counseling session.

It is with this new financial responsibility that researchers have surmised that the courts, responsible for such orders, might play a role in lessening the frustrations of supporting fathers, especially low-income fathers with these concerns.

It has also been found that the opposite occurs where fathers’ support orders were not binding or those that were, were seen as fair. When seen as fair, fathers were less likely to feel put out. Through consultation with the father, where diminishing conflict might be a goal, fathers may, with the courts, be able to come to a more reasonable support amount.

However, this seems unlikely as most support or maintenance orders are mandated through a set of predetermined tables. You earn this much money and you have these many children, then this is the amount you pay. It seems a little arbitrary and cold.

Not surprisingly, parents who were satisfied with the financial and co-parenting models chosen post-divorce, were less likely to encounter conflict, which in turn helped with the children’s adjustment and development.

co-parenting counseling: house for sale

Changing housing arrangements can also contribute to added stress to cooperative co-parenting. The family home may be sold. Those dads that move away have less contact with the children and are less active in the co-parenting responsibilities.

I say dads because generally the children will stay with the mother and not move from where they live. Disruptions with school and friends are not conducive to routine.

The fitness of a co-parent to parent as perceived by the other, can also thwart any attempt at co-parenting. An abusive partner or one substance-dependent, can be detrimental to the development of any minor-aged children.

Knowing some of the barriers to what may interfere with the co-parenting process is a good start in understanding what can get you there.

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Co-Parenting Counseling

Deciding to attend a counseling session is the very important first step. Those who attend sessions and continue to seek counseling through the most difficult periods, will have more success at co-parenting than those who do not seek guidance.

It is also imperative that both partners and the children attend. There may be a need to have individual sessions as well, but it is important that all involved attend. It is understood that it can be difficult getting all on board.

It is also understood that if only one spouse follows through, it will not meet the goals of co-parent counseling.

The cost of counselling might be an issue for some. There are outreach programs in our communities that offer a sliding scale payment model for clients. That is, those who are less able to pay full cost can avail of the same services that those who are able to pay full cost can. It isn’t hard to find such programs. If you are in a lower income bracket, ask about the sliding scale.

So what can a counseling agency do for you? The first thing it does is allows you to deal with the many issues you will face in a neutral, less threatening environment.

Counseling usually takes place in a sterile office without the emotional triggers of home; the ringing phone, the interrupting neighbors or animals. It brings focus.

Cooperation

Counseling also broadens perspective. With the help of a counselor, we can begin to see the other’s perspective and helps with the tunnel vision we may find ourselves experiencing. A broader view generally brings more understanding.

Counseling can also enable you to see yourself for who you are and what you are feeling. It allows you to see more of you and provides emotional support that you may not find anywhere else. When we are wrapped up in the continuous emotional battle at home, we tend to get lost in the turmoil and we lose our sense of self.

Seeking guidance allows us to gather our thoughts and become more orientated. This permits us to see the end goal much clearer. That goal should be to lessen the conflict and work together for the continued positive development of the children.

A counselor should also educate. That is, the counselor should provide strategies and plans to help you move forward through the process. Counseling can also ease feelings of guilt that may accumulate by helping us understand that what we are feeling is normal.

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Conclusion: Co-Parenting Counseling

Societal views on divorce and separation have changed. This can help but it doesn’t make the process easier. Though our children should be our main concern, we should also take the time to clarify our disorientation.

Though co-parenting counseling is difficult for a variety of reasons, it should be seen as a best practice; research has proven it to be so. If you are thinking about participating, know that it will not be easy but the benefits are long lasting.

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Divorce Mediation Checklist

Table of Contents

An Introduction

Lists and checklists are a part of our daily lives. They help us organize our thoughts and are a best practice strategy for get-things-done people.

Think of a grocery list or a to-do list. Without these, tasks might be as haphazard as dressing in the dark. Without a divorce mediation checklist, your mediation sessions would most likely be as haphazard.

It is prudent (kudos to you) to be prepared for what you are soon to experience. Generally, unless we are in the business of negotiation or mediation, it isn’t something we get to practice. So, preparation makes sense.

It is fine to let your mediator take the lead, but you should also be prepared if you want to get the most from mediation. The “knowledge is power” cliché applies here.

Though mediation is meant to be a cooperative, give and take process, the end goal for you is to serve your self-interests. If prepared even a little, you will achieve your goals over someone lesser prepared.

Divorce Mediation Checklist: A Handshake

Having a checklist will guide you through and teach you those items you were unsure or unaware of. Uncertainty can leave us with feelings of ineptitude and powerlessness. Not a good starting position.

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Mediation and The Divorce Mediation Checklist

What is Mediation

Harvard Law School’s Program on Negotiation defines the goal of mediation as, “for a neutral third party to help disputants come to consensus on their own.

Rather than imposing a solution, a professional mediator works with the conflicting sides to explore the underlying interests beneath their positions.

Mediation can be effective at allowing parties to vent their feelings and fully explore their grievances.

Working with parties together and sometimes separately, mediators try to help them hammer out a resolution that is sustainable, voluntary, and nonbinding.”

Studies have found that those couples who mediate versus those that choose to litigate, were more satisfied and were able to reach higher-quality agreements.

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Divorce Mediation Checklist and Preparation

Understand that no detail is too small. Know where you will be meeting, know the address and who will be there. Even what you will wear and where you will park are small successes.

It is important to feel confident.

We will assume you and your ex-spouse have agreed to mediation and that you have chosen your mediator. Your divorce mediation checklist starts with your satisfaction with his/her approach and experience.

You do want to select a mediator with experience. As mentioned above, mediation takes practice.

Writing Things Down: Be prepared

Though a cooperative process as stated, your self-interests should be kept in mind. Strive to set specific goals that are lofty but not too lofty.

Write these down so they are clear. Know what they are.

Though it is wise to strive for specific, lofty goals, you will have to keep your soon to be ex-spouse’s dignity intact.

Studies have shown that although your ex-spouse may be impressed with your negotiation skills, in the long-term they will harbor feelings of jealousy and attempt to thwart future dealings.

So try to keep those lofty goals in check.

If this is a one-off then less concern is needed. But if there are children involved or there is future value in the relationship, then care should be taken.

Compare the desire of chasing those high expectations with the desire to building a lasting post-divorce relationship.

That said, there is no need to lower expectations, continue to aim high. Offer up what may be seen as gains, but that which you would have conceded anyway. Have a list prepared of things that you are willing to give up.

Since you were married or living with your partner for some time, you may know of things that they want.

You may not want these things (the furniture, for example) so giving them up in negotiation would give the appearance of a willing negotiator.

Understanding that there will be losses and gains, it is good practice throughout to keep emotions even. In other words, keep the “hoorahs” down on the wins and the “boos” down on the losses.

Giving anything away too early might compromise your self-interests.

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Divorce Mediation Checklist: Difficult Questions

Difficult Questions

There may be a time in your negotiation where you may need to answer difficult questions or be faced with instances of your relationship that evoke unwanted emotions.

Best practice in this case is to be prepared for those difficult questions. Earlier we saw that being prepared gives us a sense of confidence. Same here.

You do not want to be seen as shaken or put off your game.

So, what to do? Again preparation is the key. Attempt to identify what these questions may be.

Get out a pen (I like a pencil) and paper and write down whatever comes to mind.

Remember that you are trying to define which questions you will have difficulty answering or which circumstances that may have gotten you to mediation in the first place.

Then, write the answers. Practice the questions and the answers aloud so you will have a framework from which to draw on.

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Ultimatums as Take It or Leave It

Some of these difficult questions may come in the form of. If a settlement is on the table for example, you should have a minimum in your head that you would accept.

Not surprising, there are benefits to holding back on that minimum.

Divulging your bare minimum interests in the beginning shuts down further negotiation and does not give you the opportunity to see what may have been left on the table.

In this case, show that you understand the question and your answer should include a fairness to both parties approach.

This leaves room for further negotiation and gives you time to work through the mediation process with a sense of competence and balance.

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Divorce Mediation Anxiety

Your Divorce Mediation Checklist and Anxiety

An important item on any divorce mediation checklist should be the realization that anxiety will be present and is normal.

However, anxiety can harm the outcome you are striving for so it is best to acknowledge it.

We feel anxious when we cannot anticipate responses from our surroundings. I will insert again the power of being prepared. It works and helps.

Have you ever been asked to step outside your comfort zone?

Anxiety is a result of stepping outside that zone because for us, routine makes us feel safe. Risk-taking makes most feel anxious.

But if we listen to entrepreneurs, it is in taking risks where they find success.

So, knowing that mediation is not routine for us, anxiety should be expected. Preparedness, as mentioned, can lower anxiety as it leaves us feeling less vulnerable.

Facing the anxiety head on is important. Doing this will allow us to see it and seeing it renders it normal. And normalcy is what we are trying to achieve for best results.

Reframing anxiety or our response to anxiety is also helpful. Getting excited about the process of mediation and where it will lead can aide in tempering the negative affects.

Get excited about where you are in the process and in knowing that you are about to put this behind you and a new life for you is just around the corner!

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The Checklist

[ ] Initial Preparation:

  • Identify the need for mediation.
  • Research and select a qualified mediator.
  • Schedule an initial consultation with the mediator.
  • Understand the mediator’s fees and policies.

[ ] Gathering Information:

  • Collect financial documents including bank statements, tax returns, investment portfolios, property deeds, etc.
  • Make a list of assets and liabilities.
  • Gather documentation related to children (if applicable), including custody arrangements, school information, medical records, etc.
  • Compile a list of personal and joint goals for mediation.

[ ] Setting Goals:

  • Define individual goals for the mediation process.
  • Identify common interests and areas of potential compromise.
  • Determine the desired outcome for property division, child custody, visitation rights, and financial support.

[ ] Scheduling Sessions:

  • Coordinate schedules with all parties involved, including the mediator.
  • Set aside sufficient time for each mediation session.
  • Establish a timeline for completing the mediation process.

[ ] During Mediation Sessions:

  • Maintain open and respectful communication.
  • Listen actively to the other party’s concerns and perspectives.
  • Focus on problem-solving and reaching mutually acceptable solutions.
  • Be honest and transparent about financial matters and personal priorities.
  • Remain flexible and willing to explore various options.

[ ] Negotiation and Agreement:

  • Explore different settlement options for division of assets, debts, and responsibilities.
  • Discuss child custody arrangements, parenting plans, and visitation schedules.
  • Negotiate spousal support (if applicable) based on financial circumstances and needs.
  • Review and revise proposals until both parties reach a satisfactory agreement.

[ ] Legal Review:

  • Consult with individual attorneys to review the proposed settlement agreement.
  • Clarify any legal terms and implications of the agreement.
  • Make necessary revisions based on legal advice and mutual understanding.

[ ] Finalizing the Agreement:

  • Draft a formal settlement agreement incorporating all terms and conditions agreed upon during mediation.
  • Sign the agreement in the presence of witnesses or a notary public.
  • File the agreement with the appropriate court for approval and incorporation into the final divorce decree.

[ ] Post-Mediation Follow-Up:

  • Implement the terms of the settlement agreement as outlined.
  • Seek legal advice if disputes or issues arise regarding the interpretation or enforcement of the agreement.
  • Reflect on the mediation process and assess its effectiveness in achieving desired outcomes.

[ ] Self-Care and Emotional Support: –

[ ] Recognize and address the emotional challenges associated with divorce. –

[ ] Seek support from friends, family members, or a therapist. –

[ ] Practice self-care activities to maintain emotional well-being throughout the mediation process.

Feel free to check off the items as you progress through your divorce mediation process.

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A Conclusion Concerning Your Divorce Mediation Checklist

I cannot overstate (and I hope I have!) that being prepared before going into mediation will increase your odds of attaining your goal of fulfilling your self-interests.

From selecting a mediator with experience to knowing how to deal with anxiety. Having taken the time to read this hopefully helpful piece, to reading further in your quest for being prepared. I wish you the best in your endeavor.

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How To Get What You Want in Divorce Mediation

Table of Contents

An Introduction to How To Get What You Want in Divorce Mediation

The divorce process is adversarial to begin with. Both sides at this point have gone through tremendous emotional and psychological trauma as a result. There are many reasons why a couple might want to dissolve their marriage. That is not the concern at the moment. But, if you are asking how to get what you want in divorce mediation, there is help.

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What is Mediation

Mediation is a consultative process where a neutral party is put in place to be used as a buffer from the emotional and psychological impacts of divorce.

The mediator could be a health professional or a lawyer practicing mediation or a team of health professionals and mediation lawyers.

In the case of divorce mediation, both parties would already have a lawyer or would be in the process of attaining one.

How to Get What you Want in Divorce Mediation: It Doesn't Have to Be a Tug of War.

Mediation doesn’t mean you do not need a lawyer, it just means that the process will be more civil and less costly.

There would be an agreement in principle created through the mediation process. Lengthy litigation is averted as it is more cooperative and when children are involved, less time fighting over custody.

It seems like a preferable option to litigation.

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Is Divorce Mediation for Me

Mediation is not for everyone. Both sides need to understand that in the end, mediation means a series of give and take.

It is almost inconceivable that at the point of divorce a cooperative relationship could exist between a divorcing couple.

Couples may agree on divorce, but it is generally not the norm where both parties wish to end a marriage. Most of the time one or the other will instigate the process.

When this occurs, a power imbalance may be present. A professional, experienced mediator will be able to identify and neutralize any power imbalance to create an even playing field.

It is a cooperative relationship that is needed for successful mediation. Couples must enter the process understanding the civil nature of mediation.

If you are looking to derive some form of payback on your spouse, if civility is just not in the cards, then mediation may not work. The justice system is patiently waiting to mandate those unable to mediate an agreement that works.

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A Checklist: Is Divorce Mediation for Me

Using the checklist below may help you decide if mediation is for you.

Understanding Divorce Mediation:

Do I understand what divorce mediation is and how it differs from traditional divorce litigation?

Am I open to negotiating with my spouse in a collaborative and non-adversarial manner?

Have I researched the benefits and potential drawbacks of divorce mediation?

Willingness to Communicate:

Am I willing to engage in open and honest communication with my spouse during mediation sessions?

Can I set aside emotional conflicts and approach mediation with a focus on problem-solving and compromise?

Do I believe my spouse is also willing to participate constructively in the mediation process?

Complexity of Issues:

Are the issues in my divorce relatively straightforward, such as division of assets and debts, child custody, and support?

Do I believe that my spouse and I can reach agreements on these issues with the help of a mediator?

Are there any particularly contentious or complex issues that may be difficult to resolve through mediation?

Desire for Control and Flexibility:

Do I value having control over the outcome of my divorce settlement?

Am I seeking a more flexible and personalized approach to resolving issues related to divorce?

Do I want to actively participate in crafting agreements that meet the unique needs and circumstances of my family?

Financial Considerations:

Am I comfortable with the potential cost savings associated with divorce mediation compared to litigation?

Do I understand the financial implications of reaching agreements on issues such as property division and spousal support?

Have I considered the potential long-term financial benefits of resolving disputes amicably through mediation?

Legal Guidance and Protection:

Am I willing to seek independent legal advice to review proposed agreements before finalizing them in mediation?

Do I understand that divorce mediators facilitate discussions but cannot provide legal advice to either party?

[ ] Am I confident in my ability to advocate for my interests and rights with the assistance of legal counsel if necessary?

Emotional Readiness:

Have I addressed my emotional well-being and prepared myself for the challenges of the divorce process?

Do I have a support system in place to help me cope with the emotional aspects of divorce mediation?

Am I committed to prioritizing the best interests of any children involved and minimizing the impact of divorce on them?

Exploring Alternatives:

Have I considered alternative dispute resolution methods, such as collaborative divorce or arbitration?

Do I believe that divorce mediation aligns with my goals and preferences for resolving conflicts with my spouse?

Am I open to exploring different options and making an informed decision about the most suitable approach for my situation?

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Litigation vs Mediation

More and more couples are deciding to mediate. Litigation is more expensive and depending on the terms, may take a very long time. Some courts may even mandate mediation.

The more time it takes to litigate an arrangement the more costly the process will become. Litigation is public. Aspects of  any privacy will be introduced to the world and could be embarrassing. The divorcing couple generally does not have a say in any arrangement a court may decide upon. There is no negotiation.

You may have some say. It may be in the form of your demands. Depending on how high these may be or your expectations of the court to decide in your favor. These demands may be pie in the sky.

Mediation on the other hand is almost the complete opposite. Remembering that mediation is a process of civility, both sides have an opportunity to communicate their wishes, the proceedings are confidential and less costly. Lawyers still need to be involved but the cost of litigation is minimized.

A mediator, with the cooperation of the couple, is able to finalize an agreement to be presented to the court.

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Lawyer As Mediator

You may be asking why you would use a lawyer as a mediator as opposed to the health professional you’ve been seeing or thinking about seeing?

The health professional is experienced in taking you through the emotional and psychological trauma of divorce. Especially if you are not the one who has instigated the request.

However, the health professional is not aware of the laws surrounding divorce proceedings. In the end, you would have to secure the services of a lawyer to finalize the divorce. That said, a team approach including health professionals and legal advisors is best.

But what of the lawyer as mediator? Professional and experienced in divorce law, mediation with a lawyer has advantages over other professionals.

First, lawyers know the legal parameters within which the justice system will work. Second, they know the language and methodology of mediation. What are lawyers if not mediators. They confer on a daily basis with clients to advise.

In her article The Attorney as Divorce Mediator, Adriane C. Berg writes, “It appears to me, that no other better skills can be brought to bear on the divorce mediation than those learned by the attorney. The combination of logical thinking, negotiation technique, long-range foresight, result orientation, and language skills that attorneys possess, cannot be beat.”

That’s fine you may say, but isn’t the lawyer a hard and callous professional looking only at the bottom line? There may be some like that, but know there are others who are not.

When selecting a lawyer as a mediator, make sure they are also able to empathize with your emotional concerns. Berg adds, “Moreover, constant  experience with the human condition and its emotional ramifications at a time of crisis, with decision making, and with deal making is unique to the legal field.”

According to Berg, “Lawyers are essential to the process.”

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How to Get What You Want in Divorce Mediation

How to Get What You Want in Divorce Mediation: Counselor at Law Sign

Berg’s article pays very close attention to the responsibilities of the lawyer as mediator.

For our purposes, we can use these responsibilities to understand how a lawyer as mediator will work for us. She outlines these responsibilities in five steps;

Step 1

The first step of course is to find a lawyer that will mediate. Know that mediation is a humane process but also know that it is a legal process. This may be the first time you have encountered the legal system.

Know that mediation may fail. The lawyer knows this and may ask you to sign a waiver. As disclosure is a very important part of mediation, you should know this and be prepared to either sign the waiver or not.

Not signing may put an end to the process. However, having selected mediation over litigation means you already have a positive view that it will work for you and your future ex-spouse.

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Step 2

During the second phase of the process, clients would sign a contract to retain the lawyer as mediator. As this is a contract for mediation, the lawyer would not represent you when presenting the mediated agreement.

In the contract would be the responsibilities of the mediator and the clients. Confidentiality and disclosure would be included and explained. Clients would have to retain their own lawyer to present that agreement to the court. At this point you may be thinking, that’s a lot of lawyers.

Remember, mediation is an option in lieu of costly litigation. Mediation generally saves time, therefore saving money.

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Step 3

Mediation begins. Generally a session would last an hour to an hour and a half. On average there would be ten sessions.

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Step 4

When mediation is successful, a contract is written. All aspects of the contract are gone over with the clients. Each client gets a copy to be read privately. A follow-up meeting is scheduled for any further questions.

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Step 5

The final step is signing the contract.

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A Conclusion on How to Get What you Want in Divorce Mediation

The information provided is not meant to represent legal advice. Please contact an attorney for professional legal advice on mediation.

However, what I have presented is an introduction to mediation taken from the chronicles of lawyers on mediation and its benefits over litigation.

How to get what you want in divorce mediation first means understanding what divorce mediation is. It is not adversarial. It is a cooperative, civil and humane process that can save you money and in the end gives you a voice in the process.

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Divorced Parents and Cell Phones

Table of Contents

An Introduction to Divorced Parents and Cell Phones

Whenever the issue of divorced parents and cell phones came up with friends, I always seemed to have had a more liberal view. Some saw it as a major concern. I did not, even though I was paying the bill. And paying the bill was tough when I was a single dad.

Not to say that it is not a concern for you.  I just thought there were bigger fish to fry. And as you know, there are.

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Cell Phone Culture

Depending on your age, you may approach the idea of cell phones and cell phones and children in a way that may be different from what your children think of the idea. No fault of your own. Cultures change.

Divorced Parents and Cell Phones; Young Girls Chatting with Friends

 

To us, fitting in with peers may seem like an idea that is trivial. But I think we know its importance. During this time of upheaval for our children, fitting in somewhere is maybe all they have. Having a cell phone helps with that. Embracing a changing culture in this case is a good idea.

Being a member of the last disconnected generation, I had to grow into the idea of cell phones. I did make a conscious effort to not “buy” into the hype. Our children however, were born into a connected society. A cell phone to them is like what a land line was to us. And to them, hype it is not.

So I quickly gave into the hype Rather, it may have been accepting the progression of things. Of course staying in contact with my children and communicating with them through their favorite media was not hype. I made the decision to buy in.

It’s funny looking back. Something so prolific as a cell phone today, seemed strange and odd then. To think it’s been decades since their introduction.

It was funny really, I fought against the idea of carrying one in my pocket, but did not think twice about shopping with them to select a device they wanted. I paid for the phone and the bill for a very long time. And of course I bought one too.

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Routine

When the family was together did the children have cell phones? Yes. Mine did. So, when family dissolves, usually the issue of cell phones comes down to who pays. For me, I was thinking about my children first.

It was sort of a tradition. When the family was intact, we would go shopping for a cell phone. For me it was something I saw as a contribution, a tradition; it made me feel good. When I was no longer living with my young children, I understood that routine and tradition was important for their well-being.

I did not put up a fight. There was no “I am paying for their cell phones so…”

I just kept doing what I was doing as a dad. It made me feel connected in a very disconnected time. Even though we were now divorced parents and cell phones could have been an issue, it was a battle I chose not to fight.

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Pick your Battles

I did pick battles. Unfortunately there were more than I would have liked. The emotions and the devastation felt during and after the dissolution of family were more than enough to bear. Dads have emotions too.

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Who Pays

Well understood is the fact that when a family dissolves, finances take on a whole new look. The literature is full of reasons why we split up, and I am sure you know that money and the issues surrounding money is a major one. We disagree about what limited funds should be spent on. Financial burdens on families are heavy enough.

Counsellors and those in that industry tell us that before we marry we should ask our future partner a number of questions to check partner compatibility. Questions surrounding money are at the top. What are your thoughts on savings? How comfortable are you with debt? What are your spending habits?

So, who pays? In my case I did and I did not have an issue with it. However, there are other scenarios that exist around cell phones and who pays. These scenarios must fit within a budget.

Can I afford it now that my financial picture has changed? Am I angry with my ex-spouse so although I was paying before, I will no longer? Depending on your relationship with your former spouse, you may agree to split the cost, or a “you pay for this and I’ll pay for that” model might work. It might also be placed in a mandated court order.

What I found that does not work is an “I’m not paying for that.” attitude or “You better pay for the bill or else.” Coercion is never a good strategy. It perpetuates anger, is selfish and it doesn’t help the positive results of routine from a child’s point of view. Again, their family routine has already been shattered.

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Limits

I did say I paid for the cell phones. I did say that I didn’t have a problem with it and I gave a few reasons why. However, I did set limits. People will rise and fall to our expectations. Children are no different.

In fact, children need expectations. It makes them functioning citizens who contribute to and live in our communities. So, what were these limits? At first there were no plans. There was a pay as you go option set at a monthly limit. It was set at a certain dollar value. You go over, you were done for the month.

Hard to get used to at first, but habit is not long forming. Later it was shared family plans with more options, more data, etc. There never seemed to be a hassle.

As my children grew older, I continued to pay but with the understanding that there were still limits. Now as young working adults, they pay for their own phones and plans. It’s funny that on the outside the issue seems simple; paying for cell phones. But in fact there were lessons learned. Lessons about limits, the difference between wants and needs and lessons about negotiation.

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Is Communicating With Your Children Important to you

Divorced Parents and Cell Phones. Is communication Important to you?

I am sure it is. Either when you were living with them full time or as a non-resident dad, communication is what makes the world go round. I needed to be in contact with my children each day. Even just to say hello.

That was another reason why I did not pick that battle. The cell phone made the very real disconnectedness I was now feeling more palatable. I could in an instant know where they were, what they were doing, and if they would like to join me for lunch!

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Divorced Parents and Cell Phones: Important Questions to Ponder

Below is a list of questions that may help guide you through your decision.

Communication Guidelines:

– Have you established clear communication guidelines with your ex-partner regarding cell phone usage and access for your children?

– How do you plan to coordinate communication schedules, including calls, texts, and video chats, between both parents and the children?

Parental Control and Monitoring:

– What measures will you put in place to ensure appropriate use of cell phones by your children, considering their age and maturity level?

– Are there any parental control apps or features you plan to implement to monitor your children’s cell phone activities and ensure their safety?

Consistency Between Households:

– Have you discussed and agreed upon consistent rules and expectations regarding cell phone usage across both households?

– How will you handle differences in parenting styles and rules related to cell phones between you and your ex-partner?

Emergency Contact Information:

– Have you updated and shared emergency contact information, including phone numbers and medical details, between both parents and other relevant caregivers?

– How will you ensure that your children have access to important contact information in case of emergencies, regardless of which parent they are with?

Respect for Privacy and Boundaries:

– How will you balance the need for parental supervision with your children’s right to privacy when using cell phones?

– What guidelines will you establish to respect your children’s boundaries and encourage open communication about their online activities and interactions?

Setting Screen Time Limits:

– Have you discussed and agreed upon reasonable limits for screen time and cell phone usage for your children, taking into account their age, schoolwork, and extracurricular activities?

– How will you enforce screen time rules and encourage healthy habits regarding technology use in both households?

Conflict Resolution Strategies:

– How will you address conflicts or disagreements related to cell phone usage and parental control with your ex-partner in a constructive and respectful manner?

– What strategies will you use to communicate effectively and find mutually acceptable solutions to issues that may arise regarding your children’s cell phone usage?

Modeling Positive Behavior:

– Are you setting a positive example for your children by demonstrating responsible and respectful cell phone usage in your own daily life?

– How will you promote healthy habits and digital citizenship among your children, both online and offline?

Regular Reviews and Updates:

– Will you schedule regular meetings or check-ins with your ex-partner to review and update cell phone guidelines and rules based on your children’s evolving needs and circumstances?

– How will you adapt your approach to cell phone usage and parenting strategies as your children grow older and their technology habits change?

Seeking Professional Guidance:

– Are you open to seeking professional guidance or counseling to address any concerns or challenges related to co-parenting and cell phone usage after divorce?

– How will you prioritize the well-being and best interests of your children while navigating the complexities of divorced parenting in the digital age?

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A Conclusion on Divorced Parents and Cell Phones

I have lived the issue of divorced parents and cell phones. I have tried to paint a picture of the model that worked for me.

There are many pictures that could be painted. Mine worked for me. I couldn’t see it any other way. I did it for my own reasons. I did not pick that battle, even though paying for cell phones was difficult.

I sacrificed that burden for the trade off; knowing I would have the ability to communicate with my children in an instant and knowing that I continued to contribute to a tradition and routine that began in another time.

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How do you feel about what you’ve read? Leave a comment below if you would like to tell us about your co-parenting experience! Or if you would like to send a note, use our contact form! Thanks for reading, and come back again!