Divorce Counseling

Table of Contents

An Introduction to Divorce Counseling

Divorce has been compared to death. But unlike death, divorce has a way of rearing its head repeatedly. Not saying death does not, but where death is a finite event, the enduring collateral damage of the divorce process is not. This may be a reason why divorce counseling is recommended, and at times mandated. Before you continue reading. ask yourself what divorce counseling means to you and then compare your answer after you have read through.

divorce counseling.

The intention here is to help those in the process of divorce or those who believe that a decision about divorce is inevitable. We will start with a look at the stages of divorce and why understanding these stages will help you choose a counselor that may best suit your divorce counseling needs no matter where you are in your journey.

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Stages of Divorce Counseling

When you think of divorce counseling or a divorce counselor what do you imagine? What questions have you asked to prepare for your decision in selecting a reputable therapist. Do you care?

Apparently what we think and where we are in our divorce journey is an important distinction when we are ready to reach out for help. And there is evidence telling us we should.

Esther Oshiver Fisher defines divorce counseling as an answer to the personal and cultural needs of the divorcing and divorced population. It is a therapeutic  process by which those who experience and continue to experience the pain and humiliation of divorce can be helped toward personal growth and adjustment.

How and when does the thought of divorcing our partner become a reality. Do we think about it from time to time? What happened to make us think about it? Do we think on it and make plans with the intention of following through?

Just thinking about divorce carries emotional pain. Will I, won’t I? We have decided that it will become reality. Or it may be our spouse who initiates. We may at some point physically distance ourselves from our spouse. Finally, reality sets in quickly when we reach a legal necessity.

The divorce process, like most things, occurs along a timeline.  It is in understanding the timeline and identifying at which stage you are, can make a difference in the selection of a therapist, and have you on a quicker path to recovery.

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Stage 1 Divorce Counseling

Divorce Counseling Stages

A first or preliminary stage in the divorce counselor spectrum is predivorce counseling. We asked above about your thoughts on divorce. In this stage, divorce is no longer a thought but becomes a reality when one or the other spouse says or does something where divorce is the only option. An extramarital affair for example.

Marriages have survived extramarital affaires, but I use this example because I believe for most it would be a game changer.

The goal of the predivorce counselor and you the client(s) at this time, is to determine  to divorce or not. This would be done over time, possibly with the help of marriage counseling if the decision is to not.

It is the distinction between marriage counselor and divorce counselor where Fisher takes issue. She believes the term marriage counselor may lead to confusion on the part of the clients. You may select a marriage counselor to do a divorce counselor’s job.

The term marriage counselor may for some insinuate although they are ready to divorce, the marriage counselor may have some skin in the game in trying to keep the marriage together.

A acceptable term for these counselors might be marriage and divorce counselors. With this moniker, clients might not feel trapped and the counselor is able to move clients forward whichever way the therapy moves.

divorce counseling; chaos to order

We are disoriented as our normalcy is brought into chaos. Emotions are high. Here, the counselor must bring order to chaos and lend their strength. And there is no time to waste.

Once emotions have subdued and things are a bit more placid, the counselor will speak of reason and decision. A decision to save the marriage or divorce must be made.

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Stage 2 Divorce Counseling

The second stage of the umbrella term divorce counseling is divorce counseling. This stage of counseling focuses on the divorce. If the divorce is handled through  lawyers and not mediation or a judge, it is here they will appear.

The counselor may or may not see you as a pair. Things may be less cooperative. Separately will still have benefits, however. There is still a need to see clearly through the emotions we struggle with, concerns about the children, finances or housing.

A divorce counselor’s role here should be to help subdue any conflict or anger that may be occurring, in an attempt to shorten the litigation process. Where spouse’s demands may be elevated because of anger, this stage of counselling would be especially beneficial where fault could be upheld.

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Stage 3 Divorce Counseling

Post divorce counseling occurs at or near the end of the marriage contract, Emotions range from elation to loneliness. Things are busy and new. Again, the counselor will be able to guide you through the complexities of post-divorce.

Often, custody schedules, co-parenting responsibilities and money decisions create continued hostility. A counselor will support a smoother post-divorce transition.

divorce counseling; all is well

A reevaluation of your relationship with your ex-spouse will most likely occur as time passes. Spouses sometimes critique why they entered into the marriage, who that person was and come to terms with any remaining concerns that would hinder the co-parenting to come.

The goal of post-divorce counseling is to empower the divorcing couple to make sound judgements and decisions, to create new systems that lend guidance.

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A Stages Rationale for Divorce Counseling

So, you may be thinking, isn’t divorce just divorce? Why break it into stages? Isn’t that silly? Well, think about it for a second. In the beginning emotions are flailing.

Feelings of sadness and guilt prevail. You may even rethink divorce and stay in the marriage, or divorce may be thrust upon you. Sounds like stage 1. And stage 2? After all of the emotion and slogging through, lawyers may get involved and physical divorce occurs.

Then onto the post-divorce era, where you are living in separate homes and hopefully a cooperative co-parenting schedule has been developed.

I believe itemizing the stages of divorce and therefore divorce counseling, allows us to digest the entire process, which is overwhelming, by reshaping it into smaller, more digestible pieces.

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Denial

Denial is just that, denying what is happening is not. “This is not happening to me!” Blame may be placed on just being depressed or having a lack of motivation.

For us men, it is helpful to know that it will generally be the wife who will bring up counseling at this stage. If you are at all interested in saving your marriage, it would be a good idea to talk about it.

Evidence exists that supports the cooperation and attendance of both spouses at counseling sessions is most affective. However, this will not occur if one or the other feels “dragged” in.

The counselor’s goal here and yours should be to understand that yes there are difficulties in the marriage.

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Anger

Anger is an emotional response and is present if we are injured, threatened or interfered with.  During the early stages of divorce, our anger can manifest itself as tantrums or attempts to self-protect.

Getting rid of this emotion is best achieved through catharsis. At this stage you need an outlet to vent in a place where support is available.

Also, understand that the physical displacement of anger through catharsis is necessary, what follows is as important. That is, the goal of being able to function productively.

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Bargaining

Bargaining may take place through the entire divorce process but it is here where attempts or appeals at coming to terms with the outcome highlight the bargaining strategy of one spouse or the other.

Be aware of manipulation. Sexual manipulation or the threat of pregnancy are forms of bargaining.

A spouse may demand unrealistic sexual demands or threaten pregnancy where the idea of a child would amend all wrongdoing.  Bargaining sometimes takes the form of an offer of a truce and continue as things were.

This may be legitimate. However, knowing that this may not be a genuine offer is in your best interest.

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Depression

Depression may be defined as a feeling of hopelessness in the face of a disappointment or loss, to be despondent.  Depression associated with divorce can be related to both sadness and pessimism.

It is likely that at this stage a self-deprecating pattern is routine. Negative statements about yourself or references to your inability to carry on define this stage. If you can identify this, then you will help your counselor guide you through.

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Acceptance

The name says it all. At this fifth and final stage a spouse accepts the loss and accepts a divorced lifestyle. This is the hope for all counselors and the end goal for a divorcing spouse.

As part of acceptance, we strive to be fully autonomous with a reframed set of values and perspectives, much like “I’m kinda glad it’s over” or a “Let’s now move on” attitude.

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Support for Divorce as Death Analogy In Divorce Counseling

Divorce Counseling: Husband and disappearing wife

Some may have a problem with comparing divorce with death. It would be understandable if someone might take offense I think. They may have lost a loved one and support their argument by stating the obvious; I loved my father but hated my wife! How could they be the same!

But if we look at it through another lens, we might be able to see how the two could be compared.

In Counseling for Constructive Divorce, Donald J. Froland and Thomas L. Hozman  reported from their counseling sessions with numerous couples that in fact the divorce as death analogy was supported.

As such, they adopted a counseling model based on Elizabeth Kubler-Ross’ book On Death and Dying. Froland and Hozman indicate that this is a working model and to understand that not all individuals follow each stage one after the other and may be at different stages at different times.

They have found despite this however, that it has been successful in helping divorced and divorcing couples in their practice.

You as the divorced or divorcing seeking or thinking about counseling, it would be helpful to self-analyze in order to verify if you are feeling any of these and where you are in the timeline of the stages.

Knowing and understanding this will help you and your counselor begin where you are and take you to where you need or would like to be.

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A Checklist

Here is a checklist that may help you choose the right counselor;

Qualifications and Experience

[ ] What is your professional background and experience in counseling couples?

[ ] Are you licensed and accredited by relevant counseling bodies or associations?

[ ] How long have you been practicing marriage counseling, and what percentage of your practice is devoted to couples therapy?

Approach to Counseling

[ ] What counseling techniques or approaches do you typically use when working with couples?

[ ] How do you tailor your approach to the specific needs and circumstances of each couple?

[ ] Can you explain your philosophy regarding marriage counseling and the goals we might work towards?

Confidentiality and Boundaries

[ ] How do you maintain confidentiality throughout the counseling process?

[ ] What are your policies regarding client privacy and the sharing of information between partners?

[ ] How do you handle situations where confidentiality may need to be breached?

Availability and Communication

[ ] What is your availability for counseling sessions, and how often do you recommend we meet?

[ ] How can we reach you in case of emergencies or urgent concerns outside of scheduled sessions?

[ ] Do you offer any forms of remote counseling, such as phone or video sessions?

Fees and Payment

[ ] What are your counseling fees, and do you offer any sliding scale or discounted rates?

[ ] Do you accept insurance, and if so, which providers do you work with?

[ ] What is your policy regarding missed or canceled appointments?

Client-Counselor Relationship

[ ] How do you approach building a trusting and supportive relationship with couples?

[ ] What should we expect in terms of our interactions and the dynamics of our counseling relationship?

[ ] How do you handle disagreements or conflicts that may arise during counseling sessions?

Referrals and Additional Resources

[ ] Are there any additional resources or books you recommend for couples seeking to improve their relationship?

[ ] Do you collaborate with other professionals, such as psychologists or family therapists, to provide comprehensive support?

[ ] Can you provide references or testimonials from previous couples who have benefited from your counseling services?

Goals and Expectations

[ ] What are realistic outcomes or milestones we can work towards during our counseling sessions?

[ ] How will we measure progress and evaluate the effectiveness of our counseling efforts?

[ ] What role do you see counseling playing in our overall journey toward a healthier and happier relationship?

Follow-Up and Continued Support

[ ] What is your approach to follow-up care and ongoing support after our counseling sessions conclude?

[ ] Are there any tools or exercises you recommend for maintaining a strong and resilient relationship after counseling?

[ ] How can we reconnect with you in the future if we feel the need for additional counseling or support?

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A Conclusion to Divorce Counseling

The purpose of writing today was to explain a little about the stages that we experience as we make our way through the stages of divorce.

Knowing and understanding these stages can help us identify where we are as we make our way. Our self-healing diagnosis and understanding can be communicated to a counselor as part of the support process.

Knowing where you are in the undertaking, can also provide you with guidance when you are selecting a counselor that will work for you.

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How do you feel about what you’ve read? Leave a comment below if you would like to tell us about your co-parenting experience! Or if you would like to send a note, use our contact form! Thanks for reading, and come back again!

How To Get What You Want in Divorce Mediation

Table of Contents

An Introduction to How To Get What You Want in Divorce Mediation

The divorce process is adversarial to begin with. Both sides at this point have gone through tremendous emotional and psychological trauma as a result. There are many reasons why a couple might want to dissolve their marriage. That is not the concern at the moment. But, if you are asking how to get what you want in divorce mediation, there is help.

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What is Mediation

Mediation is a consultative process where a neutral party is put in place to be used as a buffer from the emotional and psychological impacts of divorce.

The mediator could be a health professional or a lawyer practicing mediation or a team of health professionals and mediation lawyers.

In the case of divorce mediation, both parties would already have a lawyer or would be in the process of attaining one.

How to Get What you Want in Divorce Mediation: It Doesn't Have to Be a Tug of War.

Mediation doesn’t mean you do not need a lawyer, it just means that the process will be more civil and less costly.

There would be an agreement in principle created through the mediation process. Lengthy litigation is averted as it is more cooperative and when children are involved, less time fighting over custody.

It seems like a preferable option to litigation.

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Is Divorce Mediation for Me

Mediation is not for everyone. Both sides need to understand that in the end, mediation means a series of give and take.

It is almost inconceivable that at the point of divorce a cooperative relationship could exist between a divorcing couple.

Couples may agree on divorce, but it is generally not the norm where both parties wish to end a marriage. Most of the time one or the other will instigate the process.

When this occurs, a power imbalance may be present. A professional, experienced mediator will be able to identify and neutralize any power imbalance to create an even playing field.

It is a cooperative relationship that is needed for successful mediation. Couples must enter the process understanding the civil nature of mediation.

If you are looking to derive some form of payback on your spouse, if civility is just not in the cards, then mediation may not work. The justice system is patiently waiting to mandate those unable to mediate an agreement that works.

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A Checklist: Is Divorce Mediation for Me

Using the checklist below may help you decide if mediation is for you.

Understanding Divorce Mediation:

Do I understand what divorce mediation is and how it differs from traditional divorce litigation?

Am I open to negotiating with my spouse in a collaborative and non-adversarial manner?

Have I researched the benefits and potential drawbacks of divorce mediation?

Willingness to Communicate:

Am I willing to engage in open and honest communication with my spouse during mediation sessions?

Can I set aside emotional conflicts and approach mediation with a focus on problem-solving and compromise?

Do I believe my spouse is also willing to participate constructively in the mediation process?

Complexity of Issues:

Are the issues in my divorce relatively straightforward, such as division of assets and debts, child custody, and support?

Do I believe that my spouse and I can reach agreements on these issues with the help of a mediator?

Are there any particularly contentious or complex issues that may be difficult to resolve through mediation?

Desire for Control and Flexibility:

Do I value having control over the outcome of my divorce settlement?

Am I seeking a more flexible and personalized approach to resolving issues related to divorce?

Do I want to actively participate in crafting agreements that meet the unique needs and circumstances of my family?

Financial Considerations:

Am I comfortable with the potential cost savings associated with divorce mediation compared to litigation?

Do I understand the financial implications of reaching agreements on issues such as property division and spousal support?

Have I considered the potential long-term financial benefits of resolving disputes amicably through mediation?

Legal Guidance and Protection:

Am I willing to seek independent legal advice to review proposed agreements before finalizing them in mediation?

Do I understand that divorce mediators facilitate discussions but cannot provide legal advice to either party?

[ ] Am I confident in my ability to advocate for my interests and rights with the assistance of legal counsel if necessary?

Emotional Readiness:

Have I addressed my emotional well-being and prepared myself for the challenges of the divorce process?

Do I have a support system in place to help me cope with the emotional aspects of divorce mediation?

Am I committed to prioritizing the best interests of any children involved and minimizing the impact of divorce on them?

Exploring Alternatives:

Have I considered alternative dispute resolution methods, such as collaborative divorce or arbitration?

Do I believe that divorce mediation aligns with my goals and preferences for resolving conflicts with my spouse?

Am I open to exploring different options and making an informed decision about the most suitable approach for my situation?

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Litigation vs Mediation

More and more couples are deciding to mediate. Litigation is more expensive and depending on the terms, may take a very long time. Some courts may even mandate mediation.

The more time it takes to litigate an arrangement the more costly the process will become. Litigation is public. Aspects of  any privacy will be introduced to the world and could be embarrassing. The divorcing couple generally does not have a say in any arrangement a court may decide upon. There is no negotiation.

You may have some say. It may be in the form of your demands. Depending on how high these may be or your expectations of the court to decide in your favor. These demands may be pie in the sky.

Mediation on the other hand is almost the complete opposite. Remembering that mediation is a process of civility, both sides have an opportunity to communicate their wishes, the proceedings are confidential and less costly. Lawyers still need to be involved but the cost of litigation is minimized.

A mediator, with the cooperation of the couple, is able to finalize an agreement to be presented to the court.

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Lawyer As Mediator

You may be asking why you would use a lawyer as a mediator as opposed to the health professional you’ve been seeing or thinking about seeing?

The health professional is experienced in taking you through the emotional and psychological trauma of divorce. Especially if you are not the one who has instigated the request.

However, the health professional is not aware of the laws surrounding divorce proceedings. In the end, you would have to secure the services of a lawyer to finalize the divorce. That said, a team approach including health professionals and legal advisors is best.

But what of the lawyer as mediator? Professional and experienced in divorce law, mediation with a lawyer has advantages over other professionals.

First, lawyers know the legal parameters within which the justice system will work. Second, they know the language and methodology of mediation. What are lawyers if not mediators. They confer on a daily basis with clients to advise.

In her article The Attorney as Divorce Mediator, Adriane C. Berg writes, “It appears to me, that no other better skills can be brought to bear on the divorce mediation than those learned by the attorney. The combination of logical thinking, negotiation technique, long-range foresight, result orientation, and language skills that attorneys possess, cannot be beat.”

That’s fine you may say, but isn’t the lawyer a hard and callous professional looking only at the bottom line? There may be some like that, but know there are others who are not.

When selecting a lawyer as a mediator, make sure they are also able to empathize with your emotional concerns. Berg adds, “Moreover, constant  experience with the human condition and its emotional ramifications at a time of crisis, with decision making, and with deal making is unique to the legal field.”

According to Berg, “Lawyers are essential to the process.”

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How to Get What You Want in Divorce Mediation

How to Get What You Want in Divorce Mediation: Counselor at Law Sign

Berg’s article pays very close attention to the responsibilities of the lawyer as mediator.

For our purposes, we can use these responsibilities to understand how a lawyer as mediator will work for us. She outlines these responsibilities in five steps;

Step 1

The first step of course is to find a lawyer that will mediate. Know that mediation is a humane process but also know that it is a legal process. This may be the first time you have encountered the legal system.

Know that mediation may fail. The lawyer knows this and may ask you to sign a waiver. As disclosure is a very important part of mediation, you should know this and be prepared to either sign the waiver or not.

Not signing may put an end to the process. However, having selected mediation over litigation means you already have a positive view that it will work for you and your future ex-spouse.

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Step 2

During the second phase of the process, clients would sign a contract to retain the lawyer as mediator. As this is a contract for mediation, the lawyer would not represent you when presenting the mediated agreement.

In the contract would be the responsibilities of the mediator and the clients. Confidentiality and disclosure would be included and explained. Clients would have to retain their own lawyer to present that agreement to the court. At this point you may be thinking, that’s a lot of lawyers.

Remember, mediation is an option in lieu of costly litigation. Mediation generally saves time, therefore saving money.

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Step 3

Mediation begins. Generally a session would last an hour to an hour and a half. On average there would be ten sessions.

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Step 4

When mediation is successful, a contract is written. All aspects of the contract are gone over with the clients. Each client gets a copy to be read privately. A follow-up meeting is scheduled for any further questions.

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Step 5

The final step is signing the contract.

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A Conclusion on How to Get What you Want in Divorce Mediation

The information provided is not meant to represent legal advice. Please contact an attorney for professional legal advice on mediation.

However, what I have presented is an introduction to mediation taken from the chronicles of lawyers on mediation and its benefits over litigation.

How to get what you want in divorce mediation first means understanding what divorce mediation is. It is not adversarial. It is a cooperative, civil and humane process that can save you money and in the end gives you a voice in the process.

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Leave a Comment Below

How do you feel about what you’ve read? Leave a comment below if you would like to tell us about your co-parenting experience! Or if you would like to send a note, use our contact form! Thanks for reading, and come back again!