Divorce Counseling - Divorced Dad's Magazine

Divorce Counseling

Table of Contents

Introduction to Divorce Counseling
Stages of Divorce Counselling
- Stage 1
- Stage 2
- Stage 3
A Stages Rationale
- Denial
- Anger
- Bargaining
- Depression
- Acceptance
Support for Divorce as Death Analogy in Divorce Counseling
A Checklist
Conclusion

An Introduction to Divorce Counseling

Divorce has been compared to death. But unlike death, divorce has a way of rearing its head repeatedly. Not saying death does not, but where death is a finite event, the enduring collateral damage of the divorce process is not. This may be a reason why divorce counseling is recommended, and at times mandated. Before you continue reading. ask yourself what divorce counseling means to you and then compare your answer after you have read through.

The intention here is to help those in the process of divorce or those who believe that a decision about divorce is inevitable. We will start with a look at the stages of divorce and why understanding these stages will help you choose a counselor that may best suit your divorce counseling needs no matter where you are in your journey.

Stages of Divorce Counseling

When you think of divorce counseling or a divorce counselor what do you imagine? What questions have you asked to prepare for your decision in selecting a reputable therapist. Do you care?

Apparently what we think and where we are in our divorce journey is an important distinction when we are ready to reach out for help. And there is evidence telling us we should.

Esther Oshiver Fisher defines divorce counseling as an answer to the personal and cultural needs of the divorcing and divorced population. It is a therapeutic process by which those who experience and continue to experience the pain and humiliation of divorce can be helped toward personal growth and adjustment.

How and when does the thought of divorcing our partner become a reality. Do we think about it from time to time? What happened to make us think about it? Do we think on it and make plans with the intention of following through?

Just thinking about divorce carries emotional pain. Will I, won’t I? We have decided that it will become reality. Or it may be our spouse who initiates. We may at some point physically distance ourselves from our spouse. Finally, reality sets in quickly when we reach a legal necessity.

The divorce process, like most things, occurs along a timeline. It is in understanding the timeline and identifying at which stage you are, can make a difference in the selection of a therapist, and have you on a quicker path to recovery.

Stage 1 Divorce Counseling

A first or preliminary stage in the divorce counselor spectrum is predivorce counseling. We asked above about your thoughts on divorce. In this stage, divorce is no longer a thought but becomes a reality when one or the other spouse says or does something where divorce is the only option. An extramarital affair for example.

Marriages have survived extramarital affaires, but I use this example because I believe for most it would be a game changer.

The goal of the predivorce counselor and you the client(s) at this time, is to determine to divorce or not. This would be done over time, possibly with the help of marriage counseling if the decision is to not.

It is the distinction between marriage counselor and divorce counselor where Fisher takes issue. She believes the term marriage counselor may lead to confusion on the part of the clients. You may select a marriage counselor to do a divorce counselor’s job.

The term marriage counselor may for some insinuate although they are ready to divorce, the marriage counselor may have some skin in the game in trying to keep the marriage together.

A acceptable term for these counselors might be marriage and divorce counselors. With this moniker, clients might not feel trapped and the counselor is able to move clients forward whichever way the therapy moves.

We are disoriented as our normalcy is brought into chaos. Emotions are high. Here, the counselor must bring order to chaos and lend their strength. And there is no time to waste.

Once emotions have subdued and things are a bit more placid, the counselor will speak of reason and decision. A decision to save the marriage or divorce must be made.

Stage 2 Divorce Counseling

The second stage of the umbrella term divorce counseling is divorce counseling. This stage of counseling focuses on the divorce. If the divorce is handled through lawyers and not mediation or a judge, it is here they will appear.

The counselor may or may not see you as a pair. Things may be less cooperative. Separately will still have benefits, however. There is still a need to see clearly through the emotions we struggle with, concerns about the children, finances or housing.

A divorce counselor’s role here should be to help subdue any conflict or anger that may be occurring, in an attempt to shorten the litigation process. Where spouse’s demands may be elevated because of anger, this stage of counselling would be especially beneficial where fault could be upheld.

Stage 3 Divorce Counseling

Post divorce counseling occurs at or near the end of the marriage contract, Emotions range from elation to loneliness. Things are busy and new. Again, the counselor will be able to guide you through the complexities of post-divorce.

Often, custody schedules, co-parenting responsibilities and money decisions create continued hostility. A counselor will support a smoother post-divorce transition.

A reevaluation of your relationship with your ex-spouse will most likely occur as time passes. Spouses sometimes critique why they entered into the marriage, who that person was and come to terms with any remaining concerns that would hinder the co-parenting to come.

The goal of post-divorce counseling is to empower the divorcing couple to make sound judgements and decisions, to create new systems that lend guidance.

A Stages Rationale for Divorce Counseling

So, you may be thinking, isn’t divorce just divorce? Why break it into stages? Isn’t that silly? Well, think about it for a second. In the beginning emotions are flailing.

Feelings of sadness and guilt prevail. You may even rethink divorce and stay in the marriage, or divorce may be thrust upon you. Sounds like stage 1. And stage 2? After all of the emotion and slogging through, lawyers may get involved and physical divorce occurs.

Then onto the post-divorce era, where you are living in separate homes and hopefully a cooperative co-parenting schedule has been developed.

I believe itemizing the stages of divorce and therefore divorce counseling, allows us to digest the entire process, which is overwhelming, by reshaping it into smaller, more digestible pieces.

Denial

Denial is just that, denying what is happening is not. “This is not happening to me!” Blame may be placed on just being depressed or having a lack of motivation.

For us men, it is helpful to know that it will generally be the wife who will bring up counseling at this stage. If you are at all interested in saving your marriage, it would be a good idea to talk about it.

Evidence exists that supports the cooperation and attendance of both spouses at counseling sessions is most affective. However, this will not occur if one or the other feels “dragged” in.

The counselor’s goal here and yours should be to understand that yes there are difficulties in the marriage.

Anger

Anger is an emotional response and is present if we are injured, threatened or interfered with. During the early stages of divorce, our anger can manifest itself as tantrums or attempts to self-protect.

Getting rid of this emotion is best achieved through catharsis. At this stage you need an outlet to vent in a place where support is available.

Also, understand that the physical displacement of anger through catharsis is necessary, what follows is as important. That is, the goal of being able to function productively.

Bargaining

Bargaining may take place through the entire divorce process but it is here where attempts or appeals at coming to terms with the outcome highlight the bargaining strategy of one spouse or the other.

Be aware of manipulation. Sexual manipulation or the threat of pregnancy are forms of bargaining.

A spouse may demand unrealistic sexual demands or threaten pregnancy where the idea of a child would amend all wrongdoing. Bargaining sometimes takes the form of an offer of a truce and continue as things were.

This may be legitimate. However, knowing that this may not be a genuine offer is in your best interest.

Depression

Depression may be defined as a feeling of hopelessness in the face of a disappointment or loss, to be despondent. Depression associated with divorce can be related to both sadness and pessimism.

It is likely that at this stage a self-deprecating pattern is routine. Negative statements about yourself or references to your inability to carry on define this stage. If you can identify this, then you will help your counselor guide you through.

Acceptance

The name says it all. At this fifth and final stage a spouse accepts the loss and accepts a divorced lifestyle. This is the hope for all counselors and the end goal for a divorcing spouse.

As part of acceptance, we strive to be fully autonomous with a reframed set of values and perspectives, much like “I’m kinda glad it’s over” or a “Let’s now move on” attitude.

Support for Divorce as Death Analogy In Divorce Counseling

Some may have a problem with comparing divorce with death. It would be understandable if someone might take offense I think. They may have lost a loved one and support their argument by stating the obvious; I loved my father but hated my wife! How could they be the same!

But if we look at it through another lens, we might be able to see how the two could be compared.

In Counseling for Constructive Divorce, Donald J. Froland and Thomas L. Hozman reported from their counseling sessions with numerous couples that in fact the divorce as death analogy was supported.

As such, they adopted a counseling model based on Elizabeth Kubler-Ross’ book On Death and Dying. Froland and Hozman indicate that this is a working model and to understand that not all individuals follow each stage one after the other and may be at different stages at different times.

They have found despite this however, that it has been successful in helping divorced and divorcing couples in their practice.

You as the divorced or divorcing seeking or thinking about counseling, it would be helpful to self-analyze in order to verify if you are feeling any of these and where you are in the timeline of the stages.

Knowing and understanding this will help you and your counselor begin where you are and take you to where you need or would like to be.

A Checklist

Here is a checklist that may help you choose the right counselor;

Qualifications and Experience

[ ] What is your professional background and experience in counseling couples?

[ ] Are you licensed and accredited by relevant counseling bodies or associations?

[ ] How long have you been practicing marriage counseling, and what percentage of your practice is devoted to couples therapy?

Approach to Counseling

[ ] What counseling techniques or approaches do you typically use when working with couples?

[ ] How do you tailor your approach to the specific needs and circumstances of each couple?

[ ] Can you explain your philosophy regarding marriage counseling and the goals we might work towards?

Confidentiality and Boundaries

[ ] How do you maintain confidentiality throughout the counseling process?

[ ] What are your policies regarding client privacy and the sharing of information between partners?

[ ] How do you handle situations where confidentiality may need to be breached?

Availability and Communication

[ ] What is your availability for counseling sessions, and how often do you recommend we meet?

[ ] How can we reach you in case of emergencies or urgent concerns outside of scheduled sessions?

[ ] Do you offer any forms of remote counseling, such as phone or video sessions?

Fees and Payment

[ ] What are your counseling fees, and do you offer any sliding scale or discounted rates?

[ ] Do you accept insurance, and if so, which providers do you work with?

[ ] What is your policy regarding missed or canceled appointments?

Client-Counselor Relationship

[ ] How do you approach building a trusting and supportive relationship with couples?

[ ] What should we expect in terms of our interactions and the dynamics of our counseling relationship?

[ ] How do you handle disagreements or conflicts that may arise during counseling sessions?

Referrals and Additional Resources

[ ] Are there any additional resources or books you recommend for couples seeking to improve their relationship?

[ ] Do you collaborate with other professionals, such as psychologists or family therapists, to provide comprehensive support?

[ ] Can you provide references or testimonials from previous couples who have benefited from your counseling services?

Goals and Expectations

[ ] What are realistic outcomes or milestones we can work towards during our counseling sessions?

[ ] How will we measure progress and evaluate the effectiveness of our counseling efforts?

[ ] What role do you see counseling playing in our overall journey toward a healthier and happier relationship?

Follow-Up and Continued Support

[ ] What is your approach to follow-up care and ongoing support after our counseling sessions conclude?

[ ] Are there any tools or exercises you recommend for maintaining a strong and resilient relationship after counseling?

[ ] How can we reconnect with you in the future if we feel the need for additional counseling or support?

A Conclusion to Divorce Counseling

The purpose of writing today was to explain a little about the stages that we experience as we make our way through the stages of divorce.

Knowing and understanding these stages can help us identify where we are as we make our way. Our self-healing diagnosis and understanding can be communicated to a counselor as part of the support process.

Knowing where you are in the undertaking, can also provide you with guidance when you are selecting a counselor that will work for you.

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How do you feel about what you’ve read? Leave a comment below if you would like to tell us about your co-parenting experience! Or if you would like to send a note, use our contact form! Thanks for reading, and come back again!

Co-Parenting Counseling

Table of Contents

Introduction
What Is Co-Parenting
An Unclear Path
Barriers To Co-Parenting Counseling
Co-Parenting Counseling
Conclusion

An Introduction

This article is meant to help co-parents understand that though it is not easy, especially at a time of turmoil and loss, co-parenting counseling is good practice in helping the continued positive development of the children. They are also mourners in the death of the marriage. It is because of them that we should try everything possible to make the transition into the co-parenting world as smooth as possible.

With changing attitudes toward parenting and the father’s role, co-parenting dads, especially non-resident co-parenting dads, are met with challenges during the transition into this new role. Often, co-parenting counseling is beneficial, but not always easy to achieve.

Separation and divorce are considered an adverse childhood experience and contributes to increased risk for negative physical and behavioral outcomes in adulthood.

Both co-parents must be in a position emotionally to try what should be a cooperative path forward. As we know and have possibly experienced, the transition from divorced parents to a co-operative teamwork model is not easy.

How is it possible to go from a conflicted relationship, which is generally what brought the end of a marriage in the first place to a point of cooperation? Reading and researching as you are doing now is a good first step.

So, if you are a co-parent dad or soon to be, and you care about your child’s development (some don’t) into adulthood, and you would like to improve your co-parenting model, then co-parenting counselling is a very good step.

What Is Co-Parenting

What does co-parenting look like? From its name, we can figure out that its definition might have something to do with the divorced or separated parents doing their share to raise their children using a cooperative model.

Of course, there is more to it than that. Best-practice will reflect co-parenting where the interests of the children are nourished, as most likely would have been the case in the married household.

Successful co-parenting would be demonstrated by successful daily communication where conflict would be kept at a minimum and where the co-parents would work together as a team, to once again advance the interests of the children.

An Unclear Path

Co-parenting should be easy right? Easy for you to say, you’re thinking. And you would be right in some instances. There is, like everything else, a spectrum of co-parenting models. They range from fully cooperative to fully conflictual. And then there’s something in-between.

Even with the best interests of divorcing parents and their children in mind, professionals who make it their business to guide and educate, generally do not see this co-operative, communicative, minimal conflict model often in their practice.

Society has given us rules to make our way through the dating and courting process and we can reflect on the patterns of others on how to proceed with a successful marriage.

When it comes to divorce however, things are not so straightforward. It may be that divorce and separation was once and may still be frowned upon by society. Therefore, there wasn’t much interest in creating rules or norms around which those who are divorced or separated would be able to follow. It seems we then have to go it alone, each family having to create their own new world. Not a great start. Thankfully, for a variety of reason, attitudes around divorce are changing.

Barriers To Co-Parenting Counseling

In their new roles, the co-parent’s main objective should be to take care of the children and finances. Women who left the work force to raise the children find it difficult reentering, creating financial stress.

It is here also where fathers, especially those who see child support orders as unfair, may become angry and frustrated and instead of diminishing the conflictual relationship, will continue co-parenting in an ongoing state of turmoil.

This anger and frustration may exist, because as divorce dads we might think that we are supporting our ex-spouse, and not the children. Since it is to the former spouse that the money goes. We do not know what is being done with the money or even if it is going where we would want it to go.

We can do a couple of things here. We can reframe our thoughts about who the money is going to by understanding that the money is for the children and not the ex-spouse. And hopefully it is going to the children. We can also request an account of where the money is going. This could be accomplished in a co-parenting counseling session.

It is with this new financial responsibility that researchers have surmised that the courts, responsible for such orders, might play a role in lessening the frustrations of supporting fathers, especially low-income fathers with these concerns.

It has also been found that the opposite occurs where fathers’ support orders were not binding or those that were, were seen as fair. When seen as fair, fathers were less likely to feel put out. Through consultation with the father, where diminishing conflict might be a goal, fathers may, with the courts, be able to come to a more reasonable support amount.

However, this seems unlikely as most support or maintenance orders are mandated through a set of predetermined tables. You earn this much money and you have these many children, then this is the amount you pay. It seems a little arbitrary and cold.

Not surprisingly, parents who were satisfied with the financial and co-parenting models chosen post-divorce, were less likely to encounter conflict, which in turn helped with the children’s adjustment and development.

Changing housing arrangements can also contribute to added stress to cooperative co-parenting. The family home may be sold. Those dads that move away have less contact with the children and are less active in the co-parenting responsibilities.

I say dads because generally the children will stay with the mother and not move from where they live. Disruptions with school and friends are not conducive to routine.

The fitness of a co-parent to parent as perceived by the other, can also thwart any attempt at co-parenting. An abusive partner or one substance-dependent, can be detrimental to the development of any minor-aged children.

Knowing some of the barriers to what may interfere with the co-parenting process is a good start in understanding what can get you there.

Co-Parenting Counseling

Deciding to attend a counseling session is the very important first step. Those who attend sessions and continue to seek counseling through the most difficult periods, will have more success at co-parenting than those who do not seek guidance.

It is also imperative that both partners and the children attend. There may be a need to have individual sessions as well, but it is important that all involved attend. It is understood that it can be difficult getting all on board.

It is also understood that if only one spouse follows through, it will not meet the goals of co-parent counseling.

The cost of counselling might be an issue for some. There are outreach programs in our communities that offer a sliding scale payment model for clients. That is, those who are less able to pay full cost can avail of the same services that those who are able to pay full cost can. It isn’t hard to find such programs. If you are in a lower income bracket, ask about the sliding scale.

So what can a counseling agency do for you? The first thing it does is allows you to deal with the many issues you will face in a neutral, less threatening environment.

Counseling usually takes place in a sterile office without the emotional triggers of home; the ringing phone, the interrupting neighbors or animals. It brings focus.

Counseling also broadens perspective. With the help of a counselor, we can begin to see the other’s perspective and helps with the tunnel vision we may find ourselves experiencing. A broader view generally brings more understanding.

Counseling can also enable you to see yourself for who you are and what you are feeling. It allows you to see more of you and provides emotional support that you may not find anywhere else. When we are wrapped up in the continuous emotional battle at home, we tend to get lost in the turmoil and we lose our sense of self.

Seeking guidance allows us to gather our thoughts and become more orientated. This permits us to see the end goal much clearer. That goal should be to lessen the conflict and work together for the continued positive development of the children.

A counselor should also educate. That is, the counselor should provide strategies and plans to help you move forward through the process. Counseling can also ease feelings of guilt that may accumulate by helping us understand that what we are feeling is normal.

Conclusion: Co-Parenting Counseling

Societal views on divorce and separation have changed. This can help but it doesn’t make the process easier. Though our children should be our main concern, we should also take the time to clarify our disorientation.

Though co-parenting counseling is difficult for a variety of reasons, it should be seen as a best practice; research has proven it to be so. If you are thinking about participating, know that it will not be easy but the benefits are long lasting.

Leave a Comment Below

How do you feel about what you’ve read? Leave a comment below if you would like to tell us about your co-parenting experience! Or if you would like to send a note, use our contact form! Thanks for reading, and come back again!