Table of Contents
- Introduction
- What is Mediation
- Preparation
- Difficult Questions
- Ultimatums as Take It or Leave It
- Your Divorce Mediation Checklist and Anxiety
- The Checklist
- Conclusion
An Introduction
Lists and checklists are a part of our daily lives. They help us organize our thoughts and are a best practice strategy for get-things-done people.
Think of a grocery list or a to-do list. Without these, tasks might be as haphazard as dressing in the dark. Without a divorce mediation checklist, your mediation sessions would most likely be as haphazard.
It is prudent (kudos to you) to be prepared for what you are soon to experience. Generally, unless we are in the business of negotiation or mediation, it isn’t something we get to practice. So, preparation makes sense.
It is fine to let your mediator take the lead, but you should also be prepared if you want to get the most from mediation. The “knowledge is power” cliché applies here.
Though mediation is meant to be a cooperative, give and take process, the end goal for you is to serve your self-interests. If prepared even a little, you will achieve your goals over someone lesser prepared.
Having a checklist will guide you through and teach you those items you were unsure or unaware of. Uncertainty can leave us with feelings of ineptitude and powerlessness. Not a good starting position.
What is Mediation
Harvard Law School’s Program on Negotiation defines the goal of mediation as, “for a neutral third party to help disputants come to consensus on their own.
Rather than imposing a solution, a professional mediator works with the conflicting sides to explore the underlying interests beneath their positions.
Mediation can be effective at allowing parties to vent their feelings and fully explore their grievances.
Working with parties together and sometimes separately, mediators try to help them hammer out a resolution that is sustainable, voluntary, and nonbinding.”
Studies have found that those couples who mediate versus those that choose to litigate, were more satisfied and were able to reach higher-quality agreements.
Divorce Mediation Checklist and Preparation
Understand that no detail is too small. Know where you will be meeting, know the address and who will be there. Even what you will wear and where you will park are small successes.
It is important to feel confident.
We will assume you and your ex-spouse have agreed to mediation and that you have chosen your mediator. Your divorce mediation checklist starts with your satisfaction with his/her approach and experience.
You do want to select a mediator with experience. As mentioned above, mediation takes practice.
Though a cooperative process as stated, your self-interests should be kept in mind. Strive to set specific goals that are lofty but not too lofty.
Write these down so they are clear. Know what they are.
Though it is wise to strive for specific, lofty goals, you will have to keep your soon to be ex-spouse’s dignity intact.
Studies have shown that although your ex-spouse may be impressed with your negotiation skills, in the long-term they will harbor feelings of jealousy and attempt to thwart future dealings.
So try to keep those lofty goals in check.
If this is a one-off then less concern is needed. But if there are children involved or there is future value in the relationship, then care should be taken.
Compare the desire of chasing those high expectations with the desire to building a lasting post-divorce relationship.
That said, there is no need to lower expectations, continue to aim high. Offer up what may be seen as gains, but that which you would have conceded anyway. Have a list prepared of things that you are willing to give up.
Since you were married or living with your partner for some time, you may know of things that they want.
You may not want these things (the furniture, for example) so giving them up in negotiation would give the appearance of a willing negotiator.
Understanding that there will be losses and gains, it is good practice throughout to keep emotions even. In other words, keep the “hoorahs” down on the wins and the “boos” down on the losses.
Giving anything away too early might compromise your self-interests.
Difficult Questions
There may be a time in your negotiation where you may need to answer difficult questions or be faced with instances of your relationship that evoke unwanted emotions.
Best practice in this case is to be prepared for those difficult questions. Earlier we saw that being prepared gives us a sense of confidence. Same here.
You do not want to be seen as shaken or put off your game.
So, what to do? Again preparation is the key. Attempt to identify what these questions may be.
Get out a pen (I like a pencil) and paper and write down whatever comes to mind.
Remember that you are trying to define which questions you will have difficulty answering or which circumstances that may have gotten you to mediation in the first place.
Then, write the answers. Practice the questions and the answers aloud so you will have a framework from which to draw on.
Ultimatums as Take It or Leave It
Some of these difficult questions may come in the form of. If a settlement is on the table for example, you should have a minimum in your head that you would accept.
Not surprising, there are benefits to holding back on that minimum.
Divulging your bare minimum interests in the beginning shuts down further negotiation and does not give you the opportunity to see what may have been left on the table.
In this case, show that you understand the question and your answer should include a fairness to both parties approach.
This leaves room for further negotiation and gives you time to work through the mediation process with a sense of competence and balance.
Your Divorce Mediation Checklist and Anxiety
An important item on any divorce mediation checklist should be the realization that anxiety will be present and is normal.
However, anxiety can harm the outcome you are striving for so it is best to acknowledge it.
We feel anxious when we cannot anticipate responses from our surroundings. I will insert again the power of being prepared. It works and helps.
Have you ever been asked to step outside your comfort zone?
Anxiety is a result of stepping outside that zone because for us, routine makes us feel safe. Risk-taking makes most feel anxious.
But if we listen to entrepreneurs, it is in taking risks where they find success.
So, knowing that mediation is not routine for us, anxiety should be expected. Preparedness, as mentioned, can lower anxiety as it leaves us feeling less vulnerable.
Facing the anxiety head on is important. Doing this will allow us to see it and seeing it renders it normal. And normalcy is what we are trying to achieve for best results.
Reframing anxiety or our response to anxiety is also helpful. Getting excited about the process of mediation and where it will lead can aide in tempering the negative affects.
Get excited about where you are in the process and in knowing that you are about to put this behind you and a new life for you is just around the corner!
The Checklist
[ ] Initial Preparation:
- Identify the need for mediation.
- Research and select a qualified mediator.
- Schedule an initial consultation with the mediator.
- Understand the mediator’s fees and policies.
[ ] Gathering Information:
- Collect financial documents including bank statements, tax returns, investment portfolios, property deeds, etc.
- Make a list of assets and liabilities.
- Gather documentation related to children (if applicable), including custody arrangements, school information, medical records, etc.
- Compile a list of personal and joint goals for mediation.
[ ] Setting Goals:
- Define individual goals for the mediation process.
- Identify common interests and areas of potential compromise.
- Determine the desired outcome for property division, child custody, visitation rights, and financial support.
[ ] Scheduling Sessions:
- Coordinate schedules with all parties involved, including the mediator.
- Set aside sufficient time for each mediation session.
- Establish a timeline for completing the mediation process.
[ ] During Mediation Sessions:
- Maintain open and respectful communication.
- Listen actively to the other party’s concerns and perspectives.
- Focus on problem-solving and reaching mutually acceptable solutions.
- Be honest and transparent about financial matters and personal priorities.
- Remain flexible and willing to explore various options.
[ ] Negotiation and Agreement:
- Explore different settlement options for division of assets, debts, and responsibilities.
- Discuss child custody arrangements, parenting plans, and visitation schedules.
- Negotiate spousal support (if applicable) based on financial circumstances and needs.
- Review and revise proposals until both parties reach a satisfactory agreement.
[ ] Legal Review:
- Consult with individual attorneys to review the proposed settlement agreement.
- Clarify any legal terms and implications of the agreement.
- Make necessary revisions based on legal advice and mutual understanding.
[ ] Finalizing the Agreement:
- Draft a formal settlement agreement incorporating all terms and conditions agreed upon during mediation.
- Sign the agreement in the presence of witnesses or a notary public.
- File the agreement with the appropriate court for approval and incorporation into the final divorce decree.
[ ] Post-Mediation Follow-Up:
- Implement the terms of the settlement agreement as outlined.
- Seek legal advice if disputes or issues arise regarding the interpretation or enforcement of the agreement.
- Reflect on the mediation process and assess its effectiveness in achieving desired outcomes.
[ ] Self-Care and Emotional Support: –
[ ] Recognize and address the emotional challenges associated with divorce. –
[ ] Seek support from friends, family members, or a therapist. –
[ ] Practice self-care activities to maintain emotional well-being throughout the mediation process.
Feel free to check off the items as you progress through your divorce mediation process.
A Conclusion Concerning Your Divorce Mediation Checklist
I cannot overstate (and I hope I have!) that being prepared before going into mediation will increase your odds of attaining your goal of fulfilling your self-interests.
From selecting a mediator with experience to knowing how to deal with anxiety. Having taken the time to read this hopefully helpful piece, to reading further in your quest for being prepared. I wish you the best in your endeavor.
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